Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Friday, March 22, and Saturday, March 23. All times are Eastern.

Last Man Standing (ABC, 8 p.m., Friday):
The last time we made you think about this Tim Allen vehicle, it was when the middle daughter wandered around for part of the episode in a comically oversized Garfield head and made the Jim Davis empire that much richer. But the show’s gone through a whole season—of increasingly strained and bizarre political humor, about which more in a few weeks—and it’s brought on America’s sweetheart, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and not to voice a lion, which was really surprising to us. Pilot Viruet is going to be a mighty king, so enemies beware.


House Of Cards (Netflix, 1 p.m., Friday):
And now comes the episode where Frank heads to South Carolina to hang out with his old pals, and we learn some secrets about his past. Also, Claire is along for the ride but doesn’t get much to do, which describes her role to a T. Ryan McGee has some secrets, too.

Grimm (NBC, 9 p.m., Friday): Because we exist in a space where the WiFi is incredibly shitty, we’re just going to have to pretend we know what’s happening on these shows this week. So! Let’s assume that on this week’s edition of Grimm, somebody says, “It’s clobberin’ time!” Kevin McFarland is made of rocks.


Spartacus (Starz, 9 p.m., Friday): Our best bet is that this week’s episode of Spartacus will feature lots of guys stabbing other guys in all manner of horrifying ways, and then there will be a guy walkin’ around naked. That guy will be Ryan McGee. He can only review when bathed in the blood of his enemies.

Babylon 5 (11 a.m., Friday):
So! We don’t even know which episodes Rowan Kaiser is reviewing this week, nor would we know what they were about even if we did! But did you ever know that you can scan Babylon 5 to the tune of the song “Holiday Road”? Go ahead! Try it! Make up your own lyrics!


The Twilight Zone  (1 p.m., Saturday): Zack Handlen looks at a couple of episodes, including one where the Earth’s climate looks as if it might shift in an unalterable way that will leave most of the planet’s population dead for various reasons. Zack scoffs at this! He texted us from behind the wheel of his SUV.

Yukon Men: Revealed (Discovery, 8 p.m., Friday):
Yep. You read that right. As far as we can tell, this is just a show about a bunch of big bearded guys staring directly at the camera as they disrobe, trying to make you feel just slightly confused about your sexuality. It’s a shoo-in for our Best of TV list.


Malibu Country (ABC, 8:30 p.m., Friday): Our wife had no idea that this show was called Malibu Country. “Isn’t it just called Reba?” she asked. “No,” we said. “That was Reba’s last show.” “Oh,” she said. “Is this one any different?” Well, this one has Lily Tomlin? And its season finale airs tonight?

Explorer (National Geographic, 9 p.m., Friday): National Geographic Channel gets in on gold fever by melting down its jewelry, digging out fillings, and generally making a mess, because it wants to tell you about the “Secret History Of Gold.” Did you know people have killed each other for gold? Now you do!

Fashion Police (E!, 10 p.m. Friday): It’s a weirdly empty Friday night, even by Friday night standards. Maybe everybody’s terrified of the NCAA Tournament? Anyway, here’s something you can watch. Maybe you can buy the Fashion Police home version and play with your friends and family.


Splash (ABC, 8 p.m., Saturday): Did you miss this “celebrity diving” spectacular? Do you think we should have put the sarcastic quotes around spectacular? Probably we should have. Well, if you did miss it, join the rest of America, which made it a nice-sized hit for ABC, and check out tonight’s rebroadcast.

Chupacabra Vs. The Alamo (Syfy, 9 p.m., Saturday): Every so often, a Syfy movie comes along with a title so great that we just have to cover it. Kyle Ryan’s covering this one, and all he wants to know what “Vs. The Alamo” could possibly mean. Like… the building? The historical incident? Car rentals? What?!

Muriel’s Wedding (Flix, 8 p.m., Friday): We know absolutely nothing about this movie, except for the fact that it received kind reviews when it was released, and we think it might be from Australia maybe. Also, we’re pretty sure it features a wedding or two. You want better capsules? Give us better wifi!


Flowers Of St. Francis (TCM, 9:30 p.m., Friday): Roberto Rossellini co-wrote (with Frederico Fellini!) and directed this story of the man who would become St. Francis of Assisi. And if that sounds super boring, just take our word for it that this film is vibrant, full of life, and often surprisingly funny. Or don’t.

Fish Tank (Sundance, 8 p.m., Saturday): Katie Jarvis is riveting in this British indie film about a teenage girl stuck with a problematic family and an increasingly angry demeanor, until she meets her mom’s new boyfriend. Andrea Arnold directs. Michael Fassbender—before he was Michael Fassbender—also stars.

College Hockey: Hockey East Tournament (NBC Sports, 8 p.m., Friday): Can we interest you in some college hockey? Sure, sure. You probably want to watch college basketball. We can understand that. But NBC Sports would like you to know that college kids play other sports, too! Like hockey! On ice!


NCAA Basketball Tournament (CBS, 7:30 p.m., Saturday): March Madness continues with third-round action, and since we don’t know which teams will be playing in this timeslot just yet, we have to speak in very general terms. One thing we do know is that it won’t be South Dakota State. A NATION MOURNS.

Archer (Thursday):
Todd VanDerWerff looked out and imagined what Archer was missing, and Archer delivered unto him a giant dog. Which is close enough to what Todd was hoping for, which was some sort of unholy cross between a jungle cat and a sea otter, perhaps with a tortoise’s majestic shell.