Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Won't Someone Think Of The CGI Children?

After that dancing baby, and those yapping E-trade babies, and the entirety of the Look Who's Talking franchise, there comes a point where we as a society have to wonder: Where did we go wrong? Why do all of our CGI children runaway from their CGI homes at such a young age only to end up on the street, dancing, involved in some kind of fly-by-night stock scheme, or debasing themselves in John Travolta/Kirstie Alley romantic comedies—anything to get a little taste of CGI formula and maybe some clean CGI diapers. Make no mistake: this isn't just the fault of a few bad CGI parents. We are all to blame here. It takes a CGI village to raise a CGI child, and we have all ignored this problem for far too long. Just look at what these poor, sick, runaway CGI babies are being forced to do in order to survive:

They don't even have enough money for a new boombox. Evian didn't even give them enough to buy rattles, which means they'll be utterly defenseless in the naptime rumble with the E-trade CGI babies.


Sure, you may think they're harmless, creepy rollerbabies now. But in a few months they'll start teething, and pretty soon you won't be able to make it through the CGI park without shin-guards.    

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