Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

When You Can't Let Your Vampire Boyfriend Drink Your Blood, Have Some Vitamin Water

Look, we've all been there: One day, you're lying in the sun with your vampire boyfriend, your cheek resting on his freezing, heartless, sparkly chest, and he's all, "Everything is so perfect. I'm so glad I decided to enroll in high school—even though technically I'm 200 years old and have graduated a number of times at this point and you would think I'd have nothing in common with kids who are literally decades younger than me—because that's where I met you, a 16-year-old." And then the next day you get a paper cut or whatever, and he's all like, "I can't be around you anymore! Peace out. I'm going to Rome."

Vampires! They're sooo moody. You would think after the first century or two, they'd learn to deal with some of their emotional issues. It's like, sorry, I have blood. You knew that when we started going out! Duh.


So then you rebound with this other guy, but it's just not the same, you know? For one thing, he keeps jumping into your window at night while shirtless, which, hello, is so not cool cause your parents are right downstairs. "Uh, hey, Dad. No, this is just my friend Tom. It's so weird. A really big gust of wind totally ripped his shirt off while he was walking home so, um, he just bounded into my window to see if he could borrow one?" Also, desperate much? Who bounds into people's bedroom windows while shirtless? And to top it all off, he transforms into a CGI husky when he runs really fast (which you would think is pretty cool, but, actually, it's not that cool). Who wants to date a husky? What if you get heartworms from him? Too weird.

But there is a third option: you could date Vitamin Water! Sure, it's not as glamorous as dating a sparkle vampire or a CGI husky, but have you seen Vitamin Water lately? It's really hot. A total undercover hottie. It hangs out in the amber-colored forest and lives by its own rules. Plus: Antioxidants!

(via Slashfilm)

Vitamin Water: It's at least as exciting as your imaginary sparkle vampire boyfriend who abandoned you!