A guide to what we’re barely putting up with this week.

Advertisement

The thoroughly spooky Puritan horror movie, The Witch. Think of it as a prequel to The Blair Witch Project, except far weirder, far creepier, and without the nauseating handheld cameras.

Kanye’s latest musical ego-explosion, The Life Of Pablo. Sure, it’s basically an over-produced mixtape, but Kanye: The Music Artist is far less grating than Kanye: The Artist.

Advertisement

The Oscars. This is that magical night of the year when E! is considered a legitimate news source, and when that Mario Lopez foot fungus red carpet commercial doesn’t seem so far-fetched.

Advertisement

The semi-annual return of The Voice. Again? Don’t the chairs need to rest?

Advertisement

The continued existence of Sports Illustrated‘s swimsuit issue. Finally there are different body types represented in the magazine equivalent of Cinemax: After Dark!

Advertisement

Noted pretend performance artist, Shia LaBeouf. Spending 24 hours in an elevator and talking to fans isn’t art. It’s a rejected David Blaine stunt.

Pizza Hut’s oozing nightmare combo of appetizer and entree, Stuffed Garlic Knots crust pizza. It’s greasy bread and cheese surrounded by greasy bread and cheese!

Advertisement