A guide to what we’re barely putting up with this week.

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ABC’s thoroughly, enjoyably cheesy melodrama, Madoff. Finally: an old-fashioned movie of the week, in the new-fashioned way: stretched to fill as many network hours as possible.

Syfy’s teen-witch-goes-to-magic-university show, The Magicians. A show for anyone who’s ever wondered: “Can magicians have sex while levitating?” (Apparently, yes.)

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Zoolander 2 for Fiat for some reason. Makes sense: Fiats are the ultimate posing machines.

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The glut of kids reality shows like MasterChef Junior, Project Runway: Junior, and the upcoming So You Think You Can Dance: The Next Generation. Making kids cook food, sew clothing, and dance for our entertainment isn’t a fun reality competition, it’s a child labor issue.

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Nicholas Sparks’ latest milquetoast-mance, The Choice. Two bland people go through challenges on their way to love in a small coastal town? Even Nicholas Sparks is bored of Nicholas Sparks.

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The nth season of Duck Dynasty. If only camo worked, then no one would ever have to see this preachy, pandering, bearded, be-Jesus’d family.

Watching the Super Bowl “for the commercials.” Why sit through a four-hour game? If you like ads so much, just try and watch anything on Hulu. Every day can be Super Bowl Sunday!

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