This Week In Terrifying Hybrids:

1. Jay Leno + a very expensive Beatles song + a vehicle = NBC/Jay Leno's giant "Screw you, Conan" Ad.

I know that Conan O'Brien said that we shouldn't be cynical, which is a nice sentiment, but it's hard not to be cynical when you see an ad like this. Remember when Conan used an expensive Beatles song ("Lovely Rita") to play on Tom Hanks during the last week of The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien? Well, apparently NBC does. They see his "Lovely Rita" and they raise him a "Get Back."

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A single shot of Jay Leno flipping the bird, followed by the tagline, "Fuck all y'all: The Tonight Show With Jay Leno is back," would have been more honest. Of course, then Jay Leno wouldn't have been able to follow his #1 rule of comedy: "Uh, add a vehicle?"

2. Podium + Cameras + Apology For Selfishness - Sense Of Irony = Tiger Woods' faux-press conference apology

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Tiger Woods just staged a "press conference" to let everyone know that his apology is none of your business. Also, Buddhism. Hope that clears everything up. Talking about yourself and how selfish you are on a very public stage really hammers the point home. John Mayer and Tiger Woods should go on a "I Just Wanna Play Golf/Guitar" tour together.

3. Magical Granola Bars - Science + Diet = Full Bar

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Hmm. Eat a giant bar of compacted something right before you're supposed to eat a meal? That is genius. Why didn't someone think of this before? It's much simpler than the "Eat a bucket of sawdust before going to dinner" plan.

"What? Oh, thanks but I'm not hungry. My stomach is full of the color green."