Ah, the holiday season. A time for friends, family, food, and taking your skittish girlfriend to a secluded cabin in the woods to scare her into wearing some ugly Kay Jewelers necklace that you've secretly implanted a GPS tracking device into. She'll never escape your love's embrace now. Mwah-ha-ha!

(I think we all know where this relationship is heading.)

Is there a better way to celebrate your crippling co-dependence than lassoing your girlfrend with some cheap, though strong, silver you bought at the mall? Probably not.

It's like a beautiful, thoughtful, bone-crushing prison…of love.

This Thanksgiving, at least you can be thankful that's not you. Happy long weekend, everyone.  (Regularly scheduled hating will resume on Monday.)