Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Friday, February 8, and Saturday, February 9. All times are Eastern.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 p.m., Saturday):
David Sims thought love was only true in fairy tales./ Meant for someone else, but not for he./ Love was out to get he./ That’s the way it seemed./ Disappointment haunted all his dreams!/ THEN HE SAW JUSTIN BIEBER’S FACE!/ Now he’s a Belieber./ Not a trace of doubt/ i-i-in his mind./ He’s in love!/ He’s a Belieber!/ He couldn’t refrain from watching Justin Bieber’s SNL hosting gig if he tried (because that’s what we pay him to do) (and we seriously apologize for using subjective pronouns as the objects of a prepositional phrase) (but we had to preserve the rhyme scheme). REPEAT CHORUS 500 TIMES!


House Of Cards (Netflix, 1 p.m., Friday):
Jealous that we wrote a song about David Sims, Ryan McGee has been trying to turn the events of the second episode of House Of Cards into an opera, but all he’s got is a rhyme of “rowing machine” with “going insane.” Don’t mess with the rhyme scheme, Sondheim!

Spartacus (Starz, 9 p.m., Friday): Spartacus meets up with and hangs out with a band of marauders who might offer shelter to his people. Really, this is sort of what happened when Ryan McGee first went to Massachusetts. They talked a big game and got in his face, but then they took him in and gave him a hat.


Portlandia (IFC, 10 p.m., Friday): This week, the gang of wacky Portlandites decides to open a bed and breakfast. Les Chappell once opened a bed and breakfast. He had the bed part well and taken care of, thanks to picking up old mattresses in alleyways, but nobody wanted to eat his breakfast of Les’ Lox.

Young Justice (Cartoon Network, 10:30 a.m., Saturday): An intergalactic conqueror decides that Earth has a lovely location and so much breathing room in the negative space! Sonia Saraiya’s not a real estate agent, but she used to play one on TV, and she imagines that’s what she’d say if she were selling a planet.

The X-Files (1 p.m., Saturday):
Is “Fight Club” the very worst episode The X-Files ever made? It just might be, and Zack Handlen’s going to have to look at it this week. He’s also going to watch as Jesus makes zombies or something in David Duchovny’s last directorial effort for the show, “Hollywood, A.D.”


The Job (CBS, 8 p.m., Friday):
It takes a lot to lure the suspicious and shy John Teti out of the hidey-hole he calls The Gameological Society, but it turns out that one of the few things that will accomplish the task is this new reality show about people competing for a job. In this economy? Good luck!

Touch (Fox, 8 p.m., Friday): If you’ve been wondering, “Hey, where’s all the scientifiction on the Fox television network, now that it has canceled my favorite programme, Fringers?” well, you’re in luck, because this weirdoid Kiefer Sutherland genre-ish kinda thingy is back. With two full hours of Touching!


Alpha Dogs (National Geographic Wild, 9 p.m., Friday): National Geographic Wild tried to get us to review this show, but when they sent us the screeners, we all faced off in an elaborate competition designed to prove who was most worthy of reviewing it. Suffice to say: The screener was destroyed.

The Jenny McCarthy Show (VH1, 10:30 p.m. Friday): Somebody gave Jenny McCarthy a show again, and for some reason, it’s a talk show? And the musical guest is The Cardigans? Sounds like somebody’s doing their damnedest to hold on to 1997! Sonia Saraiya is not that person, but she, too, loves “Lovefool.”

Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown (ABC, 8 p.m., Saturday): Sure, maybe this isn’t one of the “big three” of Peanuts specials, but we like it all the same. Side note: Isn’t it kind of weird that there was never a proper Peanuts Independence Day special? They hit all the other major American holidays! Weird.


Too Cute! (Animal Planet, 8 p.m., Saturday): We’re just going to run the TV Guide description for this in full, because holy shit! “Five piglets try to befriend a family’s dog; young lop-eared rabbits play with one another; baby hedgehogs have an outdoor adventure with their parents.” HOW CAN YOU NOT WATCH?!

Anaconda (AMC, 8 p.m., Friday): Bitch all you want about how this channel used to be called “American Movie Classics.” Because here at The A.V. Club, we know there’s only one American Movie Classic, and it’s about a snake that eats Jon Voight in the face! Right in the face! Watch this, or feel our wrath!

Turner & Hooch (Flix, 8 p.m., Friday): Wait. Did we say there was only one American Movie Classic? Because we absolutely lied about everything. There are two American Movie Classics, and the second stars Tom Hanks and a bulldog, and they do all sorts of wacky things and go on crazy adventures. Whoo!


The War Of The Roses (Sundance, 8 p.m., Saturday): We’re mostly just posting about this one so we can link to Mike D’Angelo’s excellent Scenic Routes column on this Danny DeVito directorial effort. But admit it. You want to see two of the biggest stars of the ‘80s tearing each other apart, Lisa, right?

NBA Basketball: Clippers at Heat (ESPN, 8 p.m., Friday): Clippers, you were doing so well there for a while, and now, you’re struggling, and now, we’re just not sure if you’re going to let us down all over again. And then what are we going to do? Cheer for the Warriors? Please! We have our dignity!

PGA Tour Golf: Pebble Beach National Pro-Am (Golf, 9:30 p.m., Saturday): We know you don’t like watching golf. Well, we assume you don’t like watching golf because we don’t, and we assume we made you up. Here’s an attempt to trick you into watching it by featuring celebrities. You’ve been warned.


Archer (Thursday):
Not every new character can capture the heart of Todd VanDerWerff the way that Ron Cadillac did, but Todd admires Ron’s chutzpah, his business savvy, and his six dealerships, scattered across New York. Todd also would like you to know Archer kills a couple of hobos in this episode. Yay!