Keegan-Michael Key, Jordan Peele (Comedy Central)

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, September 24. All times are Eastern.

Top pick

Key & Peele (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.): Key and Peele have been hanging around Fargo lately, so they haven’t really been gone from our screens. But as any Key & Peele fan will tell you, it’s not the same. It’s close but no cigar. It’s a bunch of other ancient sayings. You may tell yourself that you’ve been fine during this season hiatus, but we know. We know, because we’ve been in the same place as you this whole time. We even saw A Walk Among The Tombstones just to feel a connection to Key and Peele through the power of Liam Neesons. (It didn’t work.) Brandon Nowalk is going to be talking us through all of this, and maybe together, we’ll be able to get over our Key & Peele withdrawals.

But really…

Is that really the top pick? It could be, depending on your mood. Pick a show, any show. Fall television is finally here, so you have options now. Gone are the days of slim pickings. Do you want to make it a family night and watch some ABC sitcoms? You should. Do you want to watch the 16th season premiere of Law & Order: SVU? Because you can do that too. Do you want to watch people survive in the wilderness, afraid, but probably not naked? That’s also an option.

Do you smell that? That’s the smell of fall television, keeping you on the couch and preventing you from showering, for fear of missing a second of new television.

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Also noted

Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.): It’s the season three premiere, and even though there’s no more regular coverage, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still check in to watch The Juliette Barnes and Avery Barkley Variety Hour (featuring Will Lexington). If you don’t watch, how else will you figure out why Teddy is still on the show?

Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m): The always lovely LaToya Ferguson wrote an even lovelier pre-air review about the pilot and the show as a whole. Hopefully Anthony Anderson’s charms will win Pilot Viruet over as well.

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Big Brother (CBS, 9:30 p.m.): It’s the 90-minute season 16 finale of Big Brother, which reminds us…

There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC 9 p.m.): There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU.There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 16 seasons of Law & Order: SVU.

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Regular coverage

Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.)

The Middle (ABC, 8 p.m.) / The Goldbergs (ABC, 8:30 p.m.)

Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.)

South Park (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)

The Bridge (FX, 10 p.m.)

The League (FXX, 10 p.m.)

TV Club Classic

Lost (Classic) (1 p.m.): Myles McNutt is back with Classic reviews for season two of Lost—“Man Of Science, Man Of Faith” and “Adrift” this time around—which means now you have to factor that into all of the new television. Thanks a lot, Myles. Oh, and one more thing: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLTTTTTT!!!!

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Elsewhere in TV Club

At 10 a.m., Sonia Saraiya has a pre-air review for How To Get Away With Murder, and at no point does she call Shonda Rimes an “angry black woman.” That sounds like a winning review to us.

What else is on?

Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, 8 p.m.) / Top Chef: Duels (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Sometimes all you need is some time away from all of the new scripted television and to just watch some cooking. People cooking is soothing right? Okay, maybe not when Gordon Ramsay is yelling, but in theory, it’s soothing.

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The Mysteries Of Laura (NBC, 8 p.m.): And so it begins: Every episode of The Mysteries Of Laura will be titled in the “The Mystery Of The…” format. In a world where the show gets at least a solid five seasons, be on the lookout for “The Mystery Of The Time Traveler,” which will introduce time travel as a legitimate part of the narrative. Hey, it happened on Castle, and there’s no real proof that Castle is not just The Mysteries Of Laura in a wig and a dress, female Bugs Bunny style.

Red Band Society (Fox, 9 p.m.): If you watched the pilot, you know whether or not you want to watch this. If you’re waiting for Mandy Moore, then Godspeed.

Chicago P.D. (NBC, 10 p.m.): While Jim Gordon is over in Gotham trying to rid it of corruption (good luck with that, buddy), Hank Voight is back with his particular brand of police corruption. Will the second season of Chicago P.D. continue to strangely glorify this crooked cop? Probably. But you should tune in just in case the season begins with him being sent to jail and staying there. (Maybe there will be another Law & Order: SVU crossover!)

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Virgin Territory (MTV, 11:05 p.m.): One can only assume that the season finale of Virgin Territory means everyone on Virgin Territory will lose their virginity. That has to be the endgame, right? If you miss out on this one, don’t worry—Newswire probably wouldn’t ignore an orgy on MTV.

Transformers (TNT, 6 p.m.): Sometimes you just need to be reminded that Shia Labeouf is basically Michael Bay’s fault.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (BBC, 8 p.m.): “Why is a Bryan Adams song the theme to a Robin Hood movie,” you might ask yourself. The real question, however, is: “Why isn’t a Bryan Adams song the theme to every movie, huh?”

(The answer to that first question: “Because it makes just as much sense as Kevin Costner playing Robin Hood.” The answer to that second question: “Because Kevin Costner played Robin Hood.”)

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Elf (CMT, 9 p.m.): It’s not Christmas time yet, but that’s not going to stop CMT from playing a Christmas movie in Septemeber. AMURRICA, and what have you. Somehow, there’s maybe nothing more American than an elf from the North Pole coming into the United States and trying to take everyone’s elf jobs.

MLB Baseball: Giants and Dodgers (ESPN, 10 p.m.): Based on team names alone, either the Giants will crush the Dodgers or the Dodgers will find a way to evade the Giants. But evasion tactics mean nothing in baseball, so in that second scenario, the Dodgers still lose. You better start placing your bets now—you heard it here first. Also, how are you going to decide between this and the finale of Virgin Territory?!?

That’s not even scratching the surface

There is so much more on TV. You’ll never catch up on all of it. Never. Just stick to Law & Order: SVU. There may be 16 seasons-worth now, but with reruns, you’re guaranteed to see it all.

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In case you missed it

Person Of Interest: Alexa Planje has taken over weekly Person Of Interest reviews, and we couldn’t be happier. Unless you did, in fact, miss the review. Then we could be happier. We could be a lot happier, actually. You know what? We’ll let Root handle this:

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