Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Taco Taco Taco Your Way To A Better You

It's 2010: the glorious, sun-streaked dawn of a new decade, a fresh, clean page on which to scribble life goals that you'll forget about until you're 67 and Morgan Freeman and dying of some disease and your best pal Jack Nicholson says "Hey, let's do some of the things in those stupid, dusty, decade life-goal lists you have over there. Let's go skydiving." And you'll say, "Skydiving's not even on any of my lists, but fine. Whatever you want. It's always about you, isn't it, Jack?"  Basically, it's time to make New Year's resolutions. (For example, my New Year's resolution is to reference either The Bucket List or The Last Holiday at least once a week in 2010.)

But did you know that only 17.8% of people will stick to their New Year's resolutions? And that only 29% of Americans will make New Year's resolutions in 2010? And at least 100% of morning shows will reference dubious percentages about New Year's resolutions as a way of introducing some diet or fitness segment? It's true!


And if you've spent any time at all near a television recently, you know that virtually all the ads right now are for products, shows, and services that will help you keep that resolution about losing weight that you never even made in the first place. In fact, there are so many ads for weight-loss things that you don't even have to turn on your television to feel their effects. The ads leech out of the television in vapor form, so that merely standing near a TV can cause a Flirty-Girl-Fitness-related burning of the lungs, and Marie-Osmond-garish-print-blouse-related watering of the eyes (which is why, in 2010, it's so important to wear a gas mask at all times).

Still, how are you going to keep that New Year's resolution you never made about losing weight? Below are a few options:

1. By eating Taco Bell tacos. So many Taco Bell tacos.

To sum up: the "Drive Thru Diet" is not a "weight-loss system," tacos are not "a low-calorie food," and "these results are not typical" but for Christine "they're fantastic." So basically Taco Bell wants you to know that they have a drive-thru full of non-low-calorie tacos that will only help you lose weight if you're Christine. Which, you know, great for Christine. Sure, we'd all like to go from slouching in the back of a boat to sitting up straight in the tall grasses, but that is a transformation reserved for Christine and only Christine. Nice of Taco Bell to give her this deflated "Congrats!" mylar balloon of a double-speaking, non-diet commercial.

Is the little plastic stand on the hard-shell taco included in the calorie count?

2. By "flirting."

This ad always airs during The Jersey Shore, and, like The Jersey Shore, it always poses more questions than it answers. Questions like: What do the makers of "Flirty Girl Fitness" think "flirt" means? Didn't the strip-workout trend die at least 6 years ago? Is that the same curiously lit alley from that one N'SYNC video?

3. By letting Marie Osmond and Nutrisystem explode two of your five senses.

Clearly, the Nutrisystem directive here was: LOUD! Bombard people with so much fuschia and text and shrinking body graphics and Osmond that they'll dial the number 75 times just to make it stop. Apparently, when Marie Osmond lost fifty pounds she became a Madame Alexander doll from the "Wigged Heroines" line named "Marie Osmond: Technicolor Vegas Nightmare." We see you, Marie. Calm down.


4. By absorbing yells to inspire a nation.


"We have a nation to inspire, ladies! Into buying several tractor tires and beating them with mallets! Because that is the most effective and accessible workout! For everyone! When America sees how skinny you get beating these tractor tires with mallets in an dusty field, Firestone is going to have to reevaluate their rubber vulcanization process in the hope of speeding up tractor tire production to meet the overwhelming demand for tractor tires so America can beat, beat, beat their way to lasting weight loss! Move it!!"