Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, March 5. All times are Eastern.

Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.):
Because The Americans returned last week, we didn’t take the opportunity to highlight the return of TV Club readers’ favorite reality show—give or take a Drag Race—and its utterly crazy new gimmick for this season, involving teams based on “brains,” “brawn,” and “beauty.” What’s On Tonight tried out for this season but didn’t make it because CBS couldn’t decide which team your favorite feature that tells you things you already know if you know how to set a DVR season pass belonged on. Carrie Raisler would have put us on Team Buttmunch, because Buttmunch is a funny word.


The Middle (ABC, 8 p.m.):
We still love you, The Middle, even if you have a tendency to get lost amid a sea of other shows each week. We’re catching up on you in binge form, then finding out what Will Harris thought sometimes weeks later. It’s good to have you back, you old reliable. *antique car horn sound*

Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): Since Joshua Alston took over this assignment earlier in the season, he’s been consumed by a horrifying desire to speak directly to cameras that aren’t there about everything that’s going on in his life. Don’t worry, Joshua. What’s On Tonight has been doing that for years now.


Broad City (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.): This is currently the favorite show of What’s On Tonight’s wife, whom, as coincidence would have it, we also call Old Reliable. So she insisted we tell you about that and about Caroline Framke’s coverage of it. So noted, wife! *even more antique car horn sounds*

Arrow (The CW, 8 p.m.)
Suburgatory (ABC, 8:30 p.m.)
The Americans (FX, 10 p.m.)
Workaholics (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)


Mad Men (1 p.m.):
Richard Nixon takes on John Fitzgerald Kennedy in the penultimate episode of Mad Men’s first season. The prize? The presidency of the United States and $100 million! Todd VanDerWerff just read Nixonland, so he’s been spoiled on the fucking ending. Thanks a lot, Rick Perlstein!

Our TV Reviews section makes a high recommendation, as Erik Adams suggests you check out Andy Daly’s new series, Review, debuting on Comedy Central tomorrow. It stars a bunch of TV people we like, so we will, Erik. It’s all for you! *throws self out window, to tune of antique car horn sounds*


Our Firsties feature checks in with Peter Tolan, of Rescue Me, The Larry Sanders Show, and Rake fame. Will Harris wonders why we didn’t put that list in chronological order, as that would have made more sense. To be perfectly honest, we have no idea.

Revolution (NBC, 8 p.m.):
You say you want a Revolution, but then you never read about it. This is a friendly reminder that our Revolution coverage is no more for the time being. When you watch the show, picture Grumpy Cat hovering over it, the word NO below her.


Baby Daddy (ABC Family, 8:30 p.m.): Conversation we just had with our wife, Old Reliable (aooooogah!): WOT: “Is Grumpy Cat properly a female?” Wife: *stunned silence, filled with staring* WOT: “Obviously, the cat is a female…” Wife: “Yes. Grumpy Cat is a girl.” TO BE CONTINUED.

Lions In Battle (Smithsonian, 9 p.m.): WOT: “Yeah, Grumpy Cat is female, but is the character of Grumpy Cat female?” Wife: *more stunned silence* “Yes. Because there is no Grumpy Cat without…” WOT: “Without Tardar Sauce.” Wife: “Yes, without Tardar Sauce.” TO BE CONCLUDED IN A COUPLE BLURBS.

Ali G: Rezurection (FXX, 10:30 p.m.): Some of you wondered why we’re not covering this. The answer is: because it’s not new material. Rather, it’s just reruns of old material with some new introductions filmed by Sacha Baron Cohen.


Beowulf (AMC, 8 p.m.): WOT: “That’s all I wanted to know, thanks.” Wife: *stern expression* “A lot of people misidentify Grumpy Cat as male, but that’s just wrong. Grumpy Cat is a girl.” *the more you know banner flies across the sky*

Dodsworth (TCM, 8 p.m.): The Oscars may be over, but TCM is still showing Best Picture nominees to beat the band. Here’s a rather charming older movie from director William Wyler. It also received an Actor nomination for Walter Huston and Supporting Actress nomination for Maria Ouspenskaya!

NBA Basketball: Mavericks at Nuggets (ESPN, 8 p.m.): We just realized Dirk Nowitzki is still playing—sort of, if you can call that “playing”—so maybe all of our antique car horn gags that made no sense were in the wrong blurb all along!


House Of Cards (Tuesday):
Just a reminder that this debuted a couple of weeks ago, in case you’d forgotten. Scott Von Doviak hasn’t. Boy, has he not forgotten.