When we last checked in with Penn Station smoothie place spokesman Stephen Baldwin, he was in the UK playing a rousing round of the Unlikely Martyrdom Scenario Game with his fellow contestants on Celebrity Big Brother—just like Job would have done if Job were real and alive today. You see, Stephen Baldwin is a lot like the biblical figure of Job. They both believe in God. They both were wealthy at some point. And they both were tested by a very bored God: Job had his wife, children, health, and wealth taken away from him. Stephen Baldwin declared bankruptcy in 2009…and since then, according to his imdb, he's been steadily working on various projects. (Evidently, God doesn't test people like he used to.)
Like Job, Stephen Baldwin is the picture of suffering, and all Christians everywhere must give what little money they can to help "restore" Stephen Baldwin to his former glory.
At least that's what some website called the Restoration of Stephen Baldwin is advocating:
You have to admit: It's a pretty convincing case. When I think about that gleeful front-page story The Times wrote about Stephen Baldwin going bankrupt, it makes me so mad I want to do whatever I can to give this most blessed Baldwin brother back his millions.
The Restoration Of Stephen Baldwin should distribute some of those little paper banks, like the ones schools hand out for Unicef, so that kids can go door to door and ask people for change. It may just yield pennies, but every little bit helps Stephen Baldwin (and only Stephen Baldwin).
Or maybe Restoration Of Stephen Baldwin can set up a sponsorship program where, for just a dollar a day, you can sponsor Stephen Baldwin. Every month, the sponsors will receive an update from little Stephen, complete with a photo of him buying groceries at Whole Foods, or buying a new pair of Oakleys at the mall, so they can see exactly how their money is helping him.
Together, we can all make a difference in the life of Stephen Baldwin.
One of the stranger parts about The Fund For Stephen Baldwin is that it's based on the notion that Stephen Baldwin went bankrupt because he's a(n X-treme) Christian:
In 2003, he had an experience that changed his life forever. He became Born Again Christian, giving his life to Jesus Christ. Over the next few years, he became very vocal about his faith, using his spotlight to boldly preach the gospel. However, because of this convictions it has caused him the loss of many jobs and the most recently, a highly publicized bankruptcy.
Maybe Stephen Baldwin did lose some jobs because of "this convictions," but being the Crazy Christian Baldwin Brother also landed him a lot of jobs too. Billy Baldwin wasn't on The Celebrity Apprentice, or Celebrity Big Brother. Where's RestoreBillyBaldwin.org?