Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Penn Station smoothie place spokesman Stephen Baldwin is on the current season of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK, because of course Stephen Baldwin is on the current season of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK. When you summer on NBC's I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!, you winter in the UK on Celebrity Big Brother. That's just how it's done.

Illustration for article titled Stephen Baldwins Favorite Pastime Is Imagining A Machine Gun To His Daughters Head

On Wednesday's episode, Baldwin decided to give his fellow "celeb" housemates a glimpse into life in the Stephen Baldwin household. See, every night after family dinner, Baldwin, his wife, and their two daughters retire to the living room for a rousing round of  the Unlikely Martyrdom Scenario Game. The family sits in a circle, and each person is given 60 seconds to come up with the most dramatic, and least likely, way that someone in the family will be asked to deny Jesus or choose a gruesome death. The family member who comes up with the best Unlikely Martyrdom Scenario wins 5 minutes in the eXtreme Luv 4 Jesus Spacewalk, which is a giant inflatable Moon Bounce in the shape of a cross that the Baldwins have permanently installed in their yard (because God want you to have fun!).

Obviously, Stephen Baldwin is really, really good at this game.  Just look at the scenario he came up with while chatting with his housemates on Celebrity Big Brother:

"I'm gonna sound fanatical right now but what my faith requires is if I were sitting here, and my wife and two kids were sitting there, and we were on a public bus and somebody came in with a machine gun and pointed it at my daughter and said to my daughter, 'Say Jesus doesn't exist' - if she turned to me and said, 'What do I do?', I'd say, 'What have I taught you to do?' 

"She'd say, 'Jesus absolutely exists', and I'd see her in heaven."

Good one, Stephen!

Of course, one of his housemates—Lady Sovereign, maybe—could have bested him by saying, "Oooh. Oooh. Okay, so, what if one day I'm out driving with my mom and dad and we stop at a red light and some crazy guy with an uzi jumps in our car and forces me to drive, at uzi-point, to some deserted warehouse in the middle of nowhere. Then, when we get there, he ties my mom and me to chairs, but he ties my dad up to the trigger of a shotgun in such a way that if my dad moves his arm, he will be shot in the head. Then the crazy guy slams a Bible down in front of my dad and says, 'Reach out for your Lord and you die.'  And my dad turns to me and says, 'What should I do?' I would say, 'See you in heaven, Dad.' And then he'd lean forward to pick up the Bible and, boom, I watch my dad die in front of me! Man, this game is fun."

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