Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Shark Week will get you through Hump Day

Destiny the whale shark from Finding Dory, who will probably not show up on Shark Week (Photo: Disney/Pixar)

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, June 29. All times are Eastern.

Top picks

Shark Week: Deadliest Sharks (Discovery Channel, 9 p.m.): Shark Week just makes everything easier, so Shark Week top picks—here we come (again). First up in tonight’s shark agenda is Deadliest Sharks: “Using cutting-edge research and thrilling historical evidence, Dr. Michael Domeier and Dr. Barry Bruce go looking for rare oceanic white tip sharks, to see if the species deserve the reputation as the ‘World’s Deadliest Shark.’ History says they are—and when the scientists dive in the Bahamas and off Hawaii, they’re spooked by this very dangerous shark.”


Shark Week: Sharks Vs. Dolphins: Face Off (Discovery Channel, 10 p.m.): Then, we guess sharks and dolphins are finally going to fight. “Sharks and dolphins have shared the ocean for ages, but only recently, scientists have begun to understand the true nature of the relationship between these two masters of the sea. It’s hostile, and dangerous, mainly for dolphins. Dolphins would rather eat fish and swim with humans; sharks would rather eat dolphins and anything they can sink their teeth into. Dr. Mike Heithaus and his team bring new research that may solve why sharks attack dolphins far more than we ever knew.” Remember, if you’re going to be a shark doctor, your first name should probably be Michael/Mike. Also, “LET’S GO DOLPHINS!”/“DOLPHINS SUCK!”

Shark After Dark (Discovery Channel, 11 p.m.): It’s “Night 4” of Shark After Dark, and we know one thing to be true: It’s not a much-belated after show for CBS’ two-season James Wood-starring legal drama. As much as we want it to be, it’s just not. (Though your friendly neighborhood What’s On Tonight contributor would definitely rock the hell out of that hosting gig.) Kevin Hart and Chelsea Handler have both shown up on Shark After Dark so far this week, so that’s what you should really expect. Sorry for the disappointment.

Premieres and finales

Orange Is The New Black (Netflix): Today actually marks the final day of Myles McNutt’s Orange Is The New Black season-four coverage, so that’s a pretty big deal. According to the episode title, “Toast Can’t Never Be Bread Again.” That’s deep. Almost as deep as the treacherous waters in which you’ll find sharks!


Kung Fu Panda: Legends Of Awesomeness (Nickelodeon, 6 p.m.): Kung Fu Panda’s one-hour series finale airs tonight, and while we can’t guarantee sharks, at least we can guarantee a singular panda. What can you expect from “Emperor’s Rules”? “Po becomes Head of Imperial Security when Lu Kang returns to the Valley of Peace as Emperor. When an evil menace rises, Po has to turn to some surprising allies to save the day.” Apparently the episode has already aired outside of the United States, so be careful if you’re trying to avoid spoilers. Except for the thing about no sharks—that should have been obvious.

U.S. Olympic Trials: Swimming (NBC, 8 p.m.): If it doesn’t end up like this (or at least with sharks), we’re not interested:

Unsung Hollywood (TV One, 8 p.m.): Film nerds, this might be right up your alley: TV One’s Unsung Hollywood returns for its third season, dedicating its premiere to Dolemite himself, Rudy Ray Moore. From our research, neither Rudy Ray Moore nor Dolemite had any strong opinions on sharks, but maybe this edition of Unsung Hollywood will prove otherwise.


Skin Wars (GSN, 9 p.m.): It’s time for “Last Looks,” as Skin Wars wraps up its third season. That’s literally all we got. That and a knowledge of the show’s general premise as a body-painting competition. We’re guessing the winner is announced tonight, but we’re also going in blind for what the final competition theme will be. Here’s hoping it’s something on this level:


The Night Shift (NBC, 9/10 p.m.): Two episodes of The Night Shift, no waiting. The episode titles sound pretty Night Shift-y too—“Get Busy Livin’” and “Hot In The City.” First up, “Jordan bonds with a terminal patient who teaches her some important lessons about living.” Of course. Then, “Shannon and Jordan venture out for some fun at a local wrestling event only to find themselves treating people on site when a fight breaks out amongst the audience.” Wait, so the terminal patient convinced Jordan that professional wrestling is her passion? The Night Shift is the best show on television.

Yes, if you’re keeping track at home, professional wrestling reveals trump shark “jokes.” But if you want to keep it sharky:

Dating Naked: Playing For Keeps (VH1, 9 p.m.): Dating Naked returns for its third season, and you can pretty much guess what happens in the episode: some really meaningful, lasting connections, you guys. Possibly due to shark attacks. They’re all naked. It could happen.


9 Months That Made You (PBS, 10 p.m.): Aww yeah, that’s the sexy stuff. “The First 8 Weeks” of pregnancy. This. Is. What. You. Want. To. See. Or, probably not, if you take that “9 months that made you” thing literally. Anyway, “follow the story of how, from a fertilized egg, you took on human form in the womb.” Again, we say: Aww yeah. We’re so glad PBS learned that sex sells. Discovery Channel chooses to go the sexy shark way, but this works too.

Barely Famous (VH1, 10 p.m.): Barely Famous returns for a second season of reality show satire with “Career Goals”: “Life as reality stars has affected the sisters in very different ways. Erin tries to nail an interview with Jessica Alba for a writing job, while Sara uses her newfound fame to launch her own celebrity lifestyle brand.” Both of these scenarios do sound like “career goals” (except for the fact that no one is pursuing shark doctoring), so it looks like the show is already nailing it.


Regular coverage

Wayward Pines (Fox, 9 p.m.)

Streaming pick

Orange Is The New Black, “Toast Can’t Never Be Bread Again” (Netflix): Shark Week be damned: Why aren’t you caught up on Orange Is The New Black yet? The rest of the world is, and Myles is about to drop his season finale review. Get. It. Together.


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