After three months and 18 passed-over ho-bags, we finally arrived at the Rock Of Love 2 finale, starring the final two sex pebbles we all know and love: Ambre, "by far possibly" the best kisser Bret's ever had, and Daisy, a self-described "very important pussy." There was no doubt that Bret, like, cared about both these girls insanely, but there's room for only rock of love, so we all waited 90 relentlessly padded minutes to find out who the lucky girl was. And the winner is … Ambre! In a shocking upset! At least as far as blowing my whole "Daisy is the winner because she didn't visit my hometown" theory goes. (I owe you five bucks, Modell.) So, I was totally wrong, but I accept it because, really, there was no other choice. Bret would have to be the biggest skankhound in the galaxy to pick Daisy, based on the clear dichotomy between the two contestants presented in tonight's episode. And while I'm sure he's within spitting distance of the top five, Bret Michaels ain't quite No.1 skankhound. (With Baio on the block, he's not even No. 1 skankhound on VH1.)
Last year's finale hinged on how Jes and Heather responded to Bret's case of the diabetes acting up while they frolicked on the beaches of Mexico. Jes convincingly pretended to care, Heather didn't, and Bret ended up going with the (relatively) well-tempered and sane choice rather than the slutty, insane, and probably more appropriate choice. This year Bret's diabetes was thankfully held in check, but Daisy's ill-timed seasickness might have killed her chances at being the girl who walks out on Bret during the reunion special to pave the way for Rock Of Love 3. Instead, the honor went to Ambre, who was able to overcome perpetual confusion over her age–Bret wasn't sure if she was 31 or 37, while Daisy thought she was 80 or 500–to triumph over an emotional-stunted stripper with a smile that melts your heart as well as your eyes. Turns out that once again that for all his big bad rock star talk, Bret will go with "Not ho enough" over "Plenty ho enough" every time. In the end, whether you're a regular schlub or a glamorous rock star with beautiful, completely authentic hair, you want a girl you can take home to mom.
Which is not to say that the "Not ho enough" girl won't flash her crotch at you on national TV. Ambre's Sharon Stone moment perfectly encapsulated the paradox of seemingly "likeably normal" contestants on reality shows: anyone who is actually likeably normal would not willingly expose her vagina to Bret Michaels, and she definitely would not enthusiastically respond to a request for "hot monkey sex" with the man who wrote "Unskinny Bop." It's only in the context of this show that Ambre seems not repulsive. Then again, I met Ambre at a diamond importer on the edge of Milwaukee, and she certainly seemed like a decent enough gal, so what do I know? As for Daisy—who is appearing at a cheesy promotional event in my town in May, woo-hoo!–I gotta say that in spite of her annoyingly immature pettiness, she seemed to genuinely love Bret, much like Ed Gein genuinely believed that turning people into furniture was a fun, harmless way to pass the time. She was crazy, but she was in love, so her pathos was real and sort of touching. I hope for her sake that C.C. DeVille is still single.