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Rock of Love: Episode 9

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Here's how not to feel like a loser: Don't hang out at a jewelry store on the edge of Milwaukee and wait nearly 30 minutes for three reality TV "stars" to show up for a meet and greet. Apparently, 99 percent of humanity already has learned this lesson, because I was joined by exactly six other people at Robert Haack Diamond Importers on Thursday to meet Ambre, Jessica, and Destiney. The trio was in town to appear at a series of promotional events culminating in a Rock Of Love bash at one of the preeminent meathead bars downtown. I hate crowds, so I opted to spend a few awkward moments at a sparsely attended, early afternoon event at a depressingly dingy diamond store. It was a perfect metaphor for the show, which pretends to be flashy and glamorous but in reality is kind of dirty and unseemly. Of my six compatriots, three were Robert Haack employees, one was a security guard, one was a slightly sheepish-looking dude in his 20s, and one was an excitable and unapologetic female fan in her 30s. When the girls finally rolled in for the 1 p.m. event at 1:30, Excitable Lady quickly pounced, her orgasmic glee barely concealed despite predicting just a few minutes earlier that Daisy would beat out these tramps for Bret Michaels' affections.

Finally, I got my moment, and I'd be lying if I said we weren't just a little bit nervous. But the girls were actually pretty sweet. Ambre still seemed motherly despite wearing an unseasonable low-cut shirt. Jessica earnestly explained that, her televised shenanigans notwithstanding, she does not support young people drinking to excess. Destiney fretted about the show making her look like "not a nice person." But based on my quick, superficial five-minute encounter, the girls really are nice, if slightly aloof, people. Then again, you'd be aloof, too, if you had three fans waiting to see you in a jewelry store.

I share this story because (1) my commitment to the Rock Of Love blog now extends to hanging out in diamond stores with the contestants and (2) I'm pretty sure now who's going to win this thing. And maybe you've figured it out by now, too. Three out of the current top four is now touring together and doing cheesy promotional events. That means Daisy, presumably, is tucked away in an underground bunker until the show ends and she's (again presumably) declared Bret's one and only true love. Of course, it's possible Daisy is heading to your town tomorrow to help open up a new car wash, which would kill my theory. (Please share if that's the case.) But I feel pretty confident at this point declaring Daisy the winner, which is (1) fucked up and (2) totally appropriate. This episode and next week's installment (it appears from the promo) are centered on making Daisy the new Kristy Jo, a cipher who's not here for Bret, and we all know not being here for Bret is celeb-reality sin numero uno. But now I'm convinced the slagging of Daisy (despite her implication that there's more dirt in her past beyond still living with a Nikki Six wax figure) will actually make her more appealing to Bret, and will likely lead to the exit of somebody else (I'm calling Destiney) next week.

Last night the table was set for Daisy when Megan was sent home, supposedly because she somewhat convincingly cried over her visiting ex-boyfriend using Rock Of Love as a tawdry promotional device for his shitty bar, and not because he, like, cared for her. As Ambre pointed out, Megan has never somewhat convincingly cried over Bret (except when her toured ended, of course), so she was shown the door. Megan was also finally outed as a former Beauty And The Geek contestant, which obviously was the trump card from the beginning to drop her. Otherwise the star of the episode was obviously Heather, who made the show 10 times more entertaining as soon as she slinked back on the set. And by entertaining I mean drunken, slutty, and unnaturally tan. Part of me hopes that Heather somehow ends up back in the competition and finally earns her rightful love rock designation. These two lovably skeezy kids deserve each other, no? At any rate, the improbable comeback of Rock Of Love continues.

Grade: B+

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