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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Rock of Love: Episode 6

Illustration for article titled iRock of Love/i: Episode 6
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Thanks to a relatively brief Oscars telecast–like a three-hour blink of an eye, it was!–I had enough time left over to sit through another horribly padded and tedious contest, tonight's Rock Of Love. Bret finally sent home Peyton because, I guess, he decided she was strongly unappealing, whereas last week he thought there was a chance he'd find her only unappealing. Bret also kissed Catherine goodbye, though she assured Bret she still respects him. And how can you not, with all those Nobel Peace prizes and Congressional medals he's won?

The other big development tonight is that the producers are apparently still trying to trump up some kind of "Kristy Joe is a bitch!" storyline that won't take. The other girls hate Kristy Joe's guts because she's selfish about grabbing time alone with Bret, a weird complaint considering all of these fucking broads are doing the exact same fucking thing! Reality show logic is really disorienting sometimes, like being strapped to a chair in a metallic interrogation room while a man named O'Brien tells you that the truth is whatever he says it is. For instance, you and I can probably agree that love is based on mutual admiration, respect, cooperation, and acceptance. But our stern, fascist, bandana-clad interrogator tells us that love is in fact based on neediness, obsession, lust, and acceptance of (the man's) almost certain infidelity. In the twisted context of Rock Of Love the most worthy of Bret's "love" is definitely Daisy, who made me realize tonight that I hate her with a pungent venom I normally reserve for Larry The Cable Guy movies and Bad Company's "Feel Like Makin' Love." Quite frankly, I hope Bret picks her. These assholes deserve each other.

Speaking of which, how dull is Bret Michaels? I've laid the blame for this interminable, lackluster season at the feet of the girls, but Bret deserves the most blame of all. Say what you will about the trainwreck that is Flavor Flav, but at least that guy can carry a trashy reality show on his shoulders and a huge clock around his neck simultaneously. Bret, though, lacks the batshit dynamism of a genuine reality TV star. It was less obvious last season because the girls were such great characters–normally co-dependent nutcases with crazy laughs make me uncomfortable, but seeing Rodeo tonight temporarily shook me out of my usual Rock Of Love 2 restless stupor–but Bret needs to pick up the slack if this season has any chance of making a comeback. Also, why isn't Megan being featured more? She has the dumb sex kitten act down cold–though she's a little too self-conscious about it–and she has shown promising flashes of a bitchy wit. (Saying Catherine needed to be put down like an old horse was amusing and prescient.) But unless Angelique is coming back, Rock Of Love might be a tailspin it can't pull out of.

Grade: D

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