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Rock of Love: Episode 3

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Carpe diem. That was the lesson of tonight's episode of Rock Of Love 2. If you have a VIP pass that gets you time with a faded rock star whose glowing blonde locks have occasionally been called into question, you must use that pass as soon as possible. Life is short. Use your pass today, because you might not be able to straddle his lap and rub your tits in his face tomorrow. OK, so it sounded nobler coming from a surprisingly understated Robin Williams. But you couldn't ignore Roxy's anguish—even if you had no clue who the fuck Roxy was— when she didn't use her pass and was sent packing. The tour also ended for Angelique, despite some very aggressive seizing of the day at a burlesque club during a group date with Inna and Aubry. Bret said she was too much of a free spirit. (Apparently "free spirit" is rock star slang for "stomach-turning, diseased vagina.")

Reality shows often start off sluggishly as characters and storylines emerge from the detritus of discarded contestants, and Rock Of Love 2 is still sitting at the edge of the bed with its head in its hands, trying to remember where the hell its underwear might be hiding. In other words, Rock Of Love 2 hasn't gotten its shit together yet. Reality TV is like sports: It's important to like somebody, but it's even more important to really, really hate somebody else. The most transcendent sports organizations–the Yankees, the Lakers, the Patriots–obliterate apathy; you can't follow their respective leagues without feeling something about them, and something usually means all-powerful abhorrence. The cameo by "that conniving slut" Lacey underscored how Rock Of Love 2 has failed thus far to make us feel one way or the other about any of the contestants. You can't love any of these women; worse, you can't hate them, either. Lacey might have been an unbearably self-aware "villain" last season—so hateable because her hateablity was so transparently calculated—but at least her base neediness made her somewhat compelling. I've had hope for Inna, but even she's blended into the trampy wallpaper for the most part so far.

It's fitting that a show about desperation–for love, affection, attention, career rejuvenation–appears to be getting desperate about stirring up something dramatic in this lukewarm slut stew. Tonight Kristy Joe emerged both as a Lacey-style shit stirrer and then, after some well-chosen make-up related smack talk, a Sam-style crybaby who missed school the day they taught that reality show ho-bags can be really bitchy. After the Roller Derby Stroller Challenge, when the ladies were charged with the protection of a "Little Baby Bret" doll against the threat of scary roller derby chicks, a victorious Kristy Joe tried to drum up some tension among losing teammates Elvira (I mean, Catherine) and Megan, Daisy, and Destiney. When Kristy Joe was called on her shenanigans she was sent scrambling away in tears.

The whole Kristy Joe "controversy" is a textbook example of a "Did I miss something?" reality show dramatic conflict. This is when some minor slight is blown way out of proportion and used to justify an angry bleep-filled smackdown that otherwise seems completely unnecessary. Because of "Derbygate," as the ugly affair will surely be known by future generations, the otherwise bland Kristy Joe is now hated by everyone in the house. Kristy Joe, I knew Tailor Made. I watched Tailor Made make everyone on I Love New York 2 hate him. You are no Tailor Made.

To wrap up, tonight's episode failed to establish any compelling characters, likeable or not. The dramatic conflict was thin, and again there was way to much emphasis on the stupid challenge. I hope Bret's words from next episode's preview aren't prophetic. "This is going to get worse"? Yikes!

Grade: C-

Stray observations

—Lacey was WAY underutilized tonight.

—Somehow talking about baby Bret's cerebral hemorrhage and spinal trauma crossed the line from funny to incredibly disturbing.

—Bret Michaels loves strippers. But when he wants to keep it classy, he goes to a burlesque show.

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