Obviously, if your dog could use Twitter, his doggie-tweets would be the most erudite 140-character missives the world has ever witnessed. He'd make wry observations about the curious texture of Beggin' Strips, and concoct quips about Justin Beiber so sharp and perfect he'd be christened "The Doggie Dorothy Parker" by all of tweet-dom. By his second day on Twitter, your dog would have more followers than Shaq.

Of course, your dog can't use Twitter because he's a dog. A lucky, lucky dog. But now there's a device that makes it easier for you to pretend your dog is not only talking to you, but tweeting. It's called Puppy Tweets™.

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Yes, Puppy Tweets. Because apparently the next level of anthropomorphizing our pets is believing that they're human enough to over-communicate to us via social media sites. Or something.

From The LA Times:

Tapping into the social media craze, toy giant Mattel Inc. is preparing to release Puppy Tweets, a high-tech toy that will allow dogs to publicize their everyday activities on Twitter via a sound and motion sensor.

Attached to a dog's collar, the plastic tag randomly generates one of 500 canned tweets when it detects barking or movement and automatically posts an update to Fido's own Twitter page.

A round of woofing could lead to a tweet of "I bark because I miss you. There, I said it. Now hurry home." A frenzied run through the backyard might garner "I finally caught that tail I've been chasing, and . . . OOUUUCHH!"

But before you begin to drool over the prospect of having your own Dug, the animated dog from Disney-Pixar's "Up" whose translator collar allowed him to talk, Mattel executives caution that the toy is just a toy.

Unlike advanced pet gadgets such as GPS tracking collars that keep tabs on roaming cats, the technology behind Puppy Tweets is simply sending out random messages triggered by movement or sound.

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You mean Puppy Tweets can't actually read dog thoughts? There's a chance my dog didn't actually think, "I bark because I miss you. There I said it," and then magically convert that thought into a tweet via Puppy Tweets? Thank God Mattel executives were upfront about the magical doggie message generator being "just a toy."

And isn't every non-food item that you can purchase for your dog just a toy? Except heartworm pills. And doggie yoga gift certificates.