The strangest thing just happened. I was sitting here, watching Project Runway, and all of a sudden, for no reason at all, I felt an overwhelmingly strong urge to buy an HP touch-screen desktop computer. I just had a sense that HP (and Intel) would bring me the technology; all I needed to do was bring the vision, you know? So I went out and bought three HP touch-screen laptops, and now I'm drawing my own fabric! I really wanted to make something that gave a sense of movement, and electricity. Basically, it looks like a screensaver. Thank you, HP & Intel, for oh-so-subtly implanting the idea in my head to buy your products so I could create my very own screensaver textile.
But I digress. Let us all pour out a dash of our frosty mint juleps at the feet of our uncle Leroy the pornography addict for our fallen Southern belle, Anthony. RIP, Mister Sassafras. Your slow-as-molasses but salty-as-pickles quips will be sorely missed. Who is left to entertain us now? Troll-haired Jay? Dour-faced Bangs The Elder? Future proprietor of Kewl Kidz Designz, Seth Aaron? Things are looking dangerously tedious—and we still have so many goddamn episodes left.
Of course, we knew that Anthony's time had come when all the other contestants essentially eulogized his workroom presence right in the middle of the episode. That whole, "Hey, did you know that Anthony is fun in the workroom?" interlude was so clunky. Uh, yeah, we're aware that Anthony is Mr. Sassafras, Carnival King Of Quips in the workroom because we see it every episode. No need to underline it for us—unless, of course, he's being eliminated. But even though his departure was telegraphed early on, Anthony's elimination was still sort of surprising. Why would the producers (that's who's making these decisions, right?) get rid of Anthony when Bangs The Elder is still sour-faced and colorblocking somewhere in a corner? Especially considering Bangs The Elder's painted tee-pee of a maxi dress was easily the worst thing on that runway: worst in terms of the textile she designed (which looked like a color test for Crayola), worst in terms of style (Kors nailed it when he said that everyone's mother wore that sundress in 1972 on a patio), and worst in terms of fit (Bangs hobbled that poor model like she was Kathy Bates in Misery). Clearly, Mila should have been sent home.
Yet, Bangs The Elder's stiff, Crayola-streaked funnel of a sundress wasn't even in the bottom two. What. The. Fuck? Instead, Anthony's black cocktail dress (accented with purple screensaver print), and Jonathan's pale grey and lavender day dress with weirdo backwards jacket were deemed the worst. I agree with the judges that Anthony's dress was rather boring; and the bodice looked, well, shoddy. He definitely deserved to be in the bottom three but not to go home. Not when Mila sent a boring, impractical tee-pee down the runway. Jonathan's look had problems as well: the fit of the dress was off, which made it seem a little cheap, and the "disco strait-jacket" just looked like someone had dared the model to wear her jacket backwards for some reason. But I, for one, liked Jonathan's print. It was intricate and delicate and didn't just look like a screensaver or a Lichtenstein wannabe. His dress didn't evoke sadness as much as it evoked an outdoor luncheon in Spring—which I guess could be a form of sadness?
And speaking of Lichtenstein wannabe prints: Seth Aaron is clearly missing his calling as a designer of clothing for Bratz! dolls. That jacket was the ugliest thing I'd seen until the camera pulled back and I saw those gross, shiny pants with the misplaced piping down the front of the legs. And naturally there was a loud tie because Seth Aaron is Avril Lavigne trapped in the body of a 37-year-old man. Still: It was soooo Seth Aaron! Obviously, the judges loved it. He was in the top three. Rounding out the best were Bangs The Younger, who made a red screensaver print and a cocktail dress with a big, textured collar, and Emilio, who made a signature "E Sosa" graffiti print and a very 1940s-meets-Gwen-Stefani-in-a-well-lit-alley look. Both outfits had tired elements (big collar, vintage) and cool elements (the side-panels on Bangs The Younger's dress, the graffiti print and styling of Emilio's ensemble), but Emilio was declared the winner. Bangs The Younger no doubt went back to the Atlas apartments, sat down in front of the mirror, and solemnly combed the disappointment out of her bangs.
—In case you were wondering, Jay's outfit made his model look like a high-fashion skiing ninja turtle.
—"My print has the vibe of a young lady's face." I guess cartoons are sort of like vibes, Seth Aaron.
—"Growing up I didn't want to wear Legos. I just wanted to play with them." Good bye, Sassafras.
—Is it possible that Vivienne Tam is an HP computer?