What a cliffhanger, Lifetime! Will Carol-Hannah be able to pull through the puke and show her collection at Bryant Park? Dun Dun Dun!
Actually, there were a lot of cliffhangers in tonight's pre-finale: What 'problem' is Tim dramatically calling Irina about from his office bunker in the Cave Of Chic in which he normally resides? Why isn't Carol-Hannah at that terrible Hyatt in Times Square with the other two girls yet?? What 'surprise that will test the designers' ability to pull things together at the last minute' could Heidi and Tim possibly have in mind??!? Can Carol-Hannah's family get any more adorable?!?!?
Obviously most of these cliffhangers fell about as flat as Althea's bangs: Irina's 'problem' was that she couldn't use the (apparently) trademarked Coney Island skyline for those giant grey tee-tents she was making—which, considering how hokey those shirts looked is more of a blessing than a problem for her. Carol-Hannah wasn't at the terrible Times Square Hyatt because she has……wait for it…..a stomach bug. Obviously, being sick sucks and everything but, let's all calm down. I've never seen a case of stomach flu wrung for so much drama—at least until I saw the end of this episode. The mysterious "surprise" that Heidi and Tim dangled in front of the designers before that commercial break wasn't a surprise at all: it was the one-more-look "twist" that's as much a part of the Project Runway finale as, well, having a finale.
In fact, the only real cliffhanger in tonight's episode was "Can Carol-Hannah's family get any more adorable?" Honestly, I just don't know. But I am dying to find out! I mean, they made biscuits from scratch using the top of a wine glass to cut out the circles! They gave Tim Gunn an apron to wear when he was helping in the kitchen. Could it get any more adorable? Knowing them, probably. They could invite Tim Gunn over to string popcorn for their Christmas tree or something (you know they're the kind of family that strings popcorn). It could get so much cuter. But how?
So, clearly, if this contest were based on cuteness of family during Tim Gunn's visit alone (which, let's face it, for this long-dead blah season it might as well be) Carol-Hannah is the clear winner. What we've seen of her collection looks the most interesting, anyway. There's a conical tutu dress, and lots and lots of silk charmeuse. Also, she has that sort of wavy, rope-like detailing on many of the pieces—something we'd probably recognize as her one of her signatures if this season hadn't been so goddamn backwards and aesthetic-crushing.
Of course, it's not that difficult to look interesting next to Irina's non-descript all-black collection. I would call Irina's collection "goth" except goth usually has more structure and a point-of-view. It's goth in absence of color only. No, her collection seems more like a bin of somber pillows. Everything she does inevitably looks like loungewear for moody New York bankers—which is basically what I think Irina wants to be. Still, even Irina's sea of black and grey did have a few notable details, namely that wide criss-cross pattern she does on most items. Oh, and there's a shirt that lists how great it is that Madonna's back in New York, which is clearly timeless and not at all a reminder that this was shot a year ago.
Then there's Althea's collection. If someone can figure out whatever Althea's collection is supposed to be besides a couple of mumsy sweaters and a sequin jacket, I'd like to hear it. It seems she's aiming for sportswear? Maybe? I don't know, but she made a leather jacket, so, uh, good for her.
Next week we get to find out who wins this catastrophe! Who will win the season of Project Runway that no one ever wants to think or talk about ever again? How many times will Tim Gunn fondly remember his biscuit-making adventure in Huntington? Will Carol-Hannah stop throwing up in time to make it to the runway?
Can you stand it?
—"You have one more look to create." Really? No kidding, Heidi. Where have you been this entire dreary episode? I've been waiting for the "surprise" final look challenge for the past 54 minutes.
—Poor Carol Hannah. First a stomach virus, and now Christopher.
—I'll be live-blogging the merciful end to this season next week! So, please, don't suffer through it alone. Let's suffer together.