So does anyone watch Models Of The Runway, the irritating little blood-sucking leech on the back of our poor, already anemic Project Runway? Someone must watch it, right? Or else wouldn't Lifetime just plug in an episode of Rita Rocks! or Sherri! or something else with an understood exclamation point in the title right after PR ends? Maybe try and get the PR fans hooked on that brassy Sherri Shepard and her adventures in sassitude?
I don't watch Models Of The Runway mostly because the models are the least interesting aspect of PR, and if I wanted to watch a half-assed show about annoying models I'd watch ANTM. But I bring it up here because the existence of Models Of The Runway is poised to hurt PR Season 7 just as it hurt (and later helped to kill) Season 6, aka the Frankenseason. Because of Models Of The Runway, the producers try to involve the models more in Project Runway, they try to make the models characters in the drama of PR—which never works because, surprise surprise, the models are never as interesting as the designers. In the history of Project Runway, there has only ever been one model who was even the slightest bit memorable, Morgan, and that was way back in Season One. The models on Project Runway are so inconsequential that one of them got hit by a bus one season, and the show spent a whopping 30 seconds on it, the majority of which was Tim saying to the affected designer, "There's been an accident so we got you another model. Sorry. Just make it work."
So, I was disappointed this evening when Tim met the designers on a farm, a crop of burlapped models taking up space behind him, and trotted out the old, "Your models are your clients" challenge. Who cares about the models? But even the models weren't able to ruin what turned out to be a pretty fun, classic Project-Runway, make-something-awesome-out-of-something-terrible challenge. Make a party dress out of a potato sack? Yes, please. That's the show that we know!
And, of course, some of the designers were up to meeting that challenge. Amy managed to make a flirty little halter-dress that actually gave the burlap a sense of movement and airyness. Mila made a silver sheath accented with metallics that was as sleek as her bob is severe. Jay's black cocktail dress with the flower skirt was very well-constructed and didn't look like burlap at all. It was impressive, if a little dull. Jay was pronounced the winner, but personally I thought Amy's dip-dyed dress (or Emilio's cool chic sheath) should have won.
But seeing the designers make something wearable out of a potato sack is only about 35% of the reason why the "weird materials" challenges are fun. The other 65% is seeing what kind of unwearable, tacky hideousness parades down the runway masquerading as clothing. And in tonight's episode there was a lot of ugly on that runway: Dominic from The Real World LA made some kind of home-sewn, beige anime costume. The Cryer from last week took a potato sack and turned it into….wait for it….a sleeveless, different colored sack! Maya made an unfortunate-looking craft project. One of the designers inadvertently made maternity wear. And these people weren't even in the bottom three.
No, that honor went to Ping, who made what looked like a burlap box with an ass-flap on the back; Jesus, who dyed everything in his signature "blech brown" and then covered half of it with green ribbons; and Pamela, who took a burlap sack and somehow turned it into a mini version of something Britney Spears would wear. In 2001. Specifically, this:
In a strange coincidence/sign of our nation's butt fixation, of all of the bottom three looks were called out for problems in the butt area (pun not intended): Pamela's for making her model's butt look too big; Jesus for making the back of his dress "literally an like an arrow pointing and saying, 'Look! I have a big butt!'"; And Ping for just letting her model's ass hang out. In the end, however, the judges sent Pamela home because [see photo above]. I think we can all agree that taking something beautiful like a burlap sack and turning it into a 2001 Britney Spears' stonwashed denim dress knockoff is probably worse than a dress with a built-in ass-flap.
—Of course, Jesus's dress was just as hideous as Pamela's. Can you explain why it was so awful, Lauren Hutton? "Dresses should be like paintings, and this dress…this is sort of a very confused, assault-on-the-eye painting." Exactly?
—Do you want to try, Michael Kors? "I hate that back. It makes your ass look asymmetrical." Yes.
—So is Ping really that strange or is she just foriegn? If someone can explain what she was trying to say during her meltdown on the runway, you win an dress with ass flaps.
—"I like that you can maybe see a little boobie here and there." Of course you do, Heidi. But this week isn't about boobs, it's about butts.
—"Mila can kiss me and my entire family's asses." This was my second favorite Anthony moment of the night. My favorite was his popped polo collar in the interview.
—"I was looking at Ping's…The garment is not functional. It doesn't cover her ass." Thank you, glasses guy. "The garment is not functional" is the best euphamism for "bare-assed."