Don't you wish this mouth-breathing season was just over already? Does anyone give a shit at this point? The judges definitely don't. The producers stopped caring around episode three. Even the Macy's accessory wall is just like, "Whatever. Here are three sad purses and two pairs of chunky heels for your mediocre lilttle outfits." Just end it! How could there possibly be three more episodes of this tedium? And yet we're watching it. I'm writing this. Why do we love gazing at corpses so much?
I would have a newfound respect for Lifetime if next week in this timeslot, they just showed Dying To Belong (starring Six from Blossom and Zack from Saved By The Bell) with a news crawl along the bottom reading, "Project Runway has been discontinued due to general suckiness….if you have any interest in finding out exactly how Christopher won, you can watch the last three episodes on MyLifetime.com if/when we get around to posting them."
Because you know Christopher's gonna win, right? He's definitely winning. He'll present a collection of 13 poofy, bubble skirt nightmares (with cascading ruffle undercarriages), and he'll somehow win because why not? This entire awful season has been leading up to King Awful (read: Christopher) taking home the prize. It's fate. Producer-mandated fate, sure, but fate nonetheless. Christopher even said as much tonight, "I'm meant to be here." In previous seasons, a statement like that on PR would only serve as a signal to the audience that this cocky designer is going home in tonight's episode. But Christopher didn't go home. He wasn't even in the bottom two! And he made a gargantuan, hideous melange of Jessica McClintock prom dresses and cheap white bedskirts! There is no other explanation for his continued presence except that, yes, he is the producer-pre-ordained winner.
Other things that Christopher said tonight that should never be said by a Project Runway contestant if he's still (somehow) mysteriously in the running: "I still have, like, a hundred petals to put on my dress." What? Also: "I'm gonna hand-apply my flowers onto the black overdress." Two things that should never be in a sentence about making an asthetically-pleasing garment: "flowers" and "black overdress." Then: "I did a graduated piecing of the petals [pointing to trail of ugly on the back of ugly dress] where they got smaller as they went down." Good job, Christopher! Round of applause. You really worked very hard at making the ugliest thing you possibly could.
Clearly, Christopher's abomination was the most spectacularly ugly outfit for tonight's "Hey, remember that slightly okay thing you made a couple challenges ago? Make something inspired by that kind-of-okayness." challenge. But a couple of the other designers did some ugly things as well—albeit their outfits were a more subdued ugly. For example, Gordana delved back into her depressing Eastern European roots to make a thoroughly depressing long grey suit jacket and ho-hum skirt. Nick was absolutely right to call it, "office wear in Warsaw, Poland." There was something very Communist bloc country about it. Honestly, it looked like a Stasi Woman costume from The Lives Of Others. Then there was Logan's scuba-suit up top, ball of wrapping paper on the bottom dress. Nina called it "a student project" and could only say that "the shapes weren't right." The whole thing wasn't right. It was basically a Frankenstein's monster of a look. In the end, Logan was sent home mostly because the producers have already written Christopher's name on the $100,000 check in Sharpie (which is uber-permanent).
But on the winner's side, things weren't so winning, either. Personally, I liked Carol-Hannah's breezy little cocktail dress the best, and not just because it had pockets. (Have these judges never seen pockets in dresses before? Wait until they see a boatneck for the first time. It will blow their minds!) Still, it was very simple, and maybe a little boring. Then there was Irina's skin-tight brocade dress with the fur-cuff sweater coat. Overall, it was cute and pretty well-done, but Nina was right to call that dress cheap. Anything that short and tight and with a corset back should have a Leg Avenue tag. But what else were the judges going to pick as the winner? Baby Brooke Hogan's ridiculously unflattering black diaper pants with the bunchy waist, tacky criss-cross-back tank, and blah sweater coat? Oh, wait. They picked the ridiculously unflattering diaper pants, tacky tank and blah sweater coat ensemble as the winner? Hmm. Sure why not? Makes perfect sense for this season.
—Et tu, Nina? You like those diaper pants? Where is the Nina who is always so quick to throw out a spot-on "unflattering" criticism when you need her?
—Speaking of Althea, she kinda does have a case for fashion plagiarism against Logan for his zipper collar. But Irina? Not so much. Does she think she invented the sweater coat?
—"I can see my stylist yelling at me, 'Make sure they photograph you with the sweater on, then take the sweater off!" "I'd definitely make a call about that dress." We get it, Kerry Washington. You're a very important actress with a stylist who makes calls about things. Calm down.
—Irina on Christopher's atrocity: "Why is one dress throwing up another dress?" Why indeed, Irina.
—Christopher bought 30 yards of fabric to make that terrible bed skirt. 30 yards. It's just so wasteful.