Watching this episode, the 10th, in what will come to be known as The Forgotten Season Of Project Runway and/or The Season That Killed Project Runway, I suddenly moved from depression (where I had been wallowing for the past week or two) into acceptance. Yes, this season sucks. Actually "sucks" ascribes too much action to this season; "mouth-breathes" would be more accurate. So, yes, this season totally mouth-breathes. I would wish for someone to just kill it, but let's face it: Project Runway is already dead. How else can you explain the ice cold, full rigor blahs that it parades across our TVs every week?
But, whatever. This season mouth-breathes. The show is dead. Let's examine the necro-fashions of this episode!
Maybe I'm being a little harsh. There were at least three signs of life in this episode: 1. The continued technicolor orange glow of Michael Kors as quipmaster, 2. The continued calmingly icy presence of Nina Garcia, and 3. the surprisingly hilarious Milla Jovovitch. Does Milla have sound opinions on fashion? Judging by the way she was gushing all over Chris's craft project belt, no. But are those opinions awesomely, often insanely phrased? Oh yes. "There's a kind of nineteeeeen eightyyyyyy three charm about that belt. I loooove it." Whatever, Milla. Just keep with the crazy eyes, crazy air-punching, and crazy talk! (Remember when you had an album? This is funnier. You've finally found your calling! You're the perfect weirdo 4th judge on Project Runway!) Also: "Maybe if this were Project I Didn't Mind It he would win!" Zing, Milla! Someone watches reality TV and likes to throw its stupid language right back in its stupid face. Good show.
But back to the rapidly decaying parts of this episode, namely: the designers, whose asthetics are all virtually interchangeable (except for Greasy Peppermint Patty and Christopher, who compete each week to see who can be the most tasteless); and the challenge, which was basically, "Be boring while thinking about a city! We know you can."
And boring all the designers were. Seriously, was anyone excited by any of these outfits? Remotely interested in any of these outfits? I know that "costumey" is basically a curse on PR, but all of these outfits could have used a little bit of costume. Or life. Or innovation. Or anything. Michael Kors (rightfully) critiqued Logan's generic Hollywood, Drew-Barrymore, hipster-wear as "Clothes not fashion." Well, that statement could have applied to any of the designers in the top three: Gordana's slate-colored cocktail dress with the detachable necklace was basically Ann Taylor New Year's Collection from two years ago; Irina's sable-colored Aspen ski fox look was well put together, but the only exciting part of it was the backless sweater, and there's a reason why the backless sweater has never taken off—it looks stupid; And Carol-Hannah made a goddamn maxi dress. A maxi dress! Aka, a Whoops! LA Vomited On You dress. It was supposedly cool because of the braid on the back and on the bust, but you know who else could make a maxi dress with a braid on the back? Literally anyone with a couple of yards of fabric and a slumber party education in braiding. Lauren Conrad makes maxi dresses, and she basically only "designs" fabric squares—that's how easy maxi dresses are to make.
But the biggest challenge for the judges probably wasn't picking the best of the bland—Irina finished more pieces, and her outfit did look like Aspen, so she was a shoe-in. No, their biggest challenge was determining which was more offensive: Greasy Peppermint Patty's Le Chateau clubwear that was allegedly inspired by Greece, or Christopher's ugh-tastic sky blue and poo-brown chiffon mini-dress that supposedly signified Santa Fe. Tough call. Personally, I thought Christopher's costume from a local community center production of Sound Of Music was more egregious than Greasy's Euro jersey pants n' top. But the judges thought otherwise and sent Greasy home. Apparently, this season is determined to make Christopher happen, no matter how hideous his bodices, belts, and bubble skirts.
—Can Milla be the permanent 4th judge?
—"You walk into mood and you see grey menswear….'oh! Grey menswear! That's what's talking to me!'"
—Hey, y'all, I don't know if you know but Christopher never went to design school so, like, he's really sensitive about not going to design school because all designers go to design school (probably) and he just has no self esteem because he didn't go to design school, and I don't know maybe there'll be a design school in heaven, Chris hopes so, and did he mention how he didn't go to design school?
—Hmm. Sherri is not just a comedy, it's her life? Well that changes ev…oh wait it changes nothing. But good to know there are cartoon pink leaves constantly floating in Sherri Shepard's life