It used to be that in order to get your own, stand-alone reality show on Bravo (the network of goat-footed champions) you had to be either a colorful, drugged-up, former pop star (Being Bobby Brown, Hey Paula!), a muppet experiment gone awry (The Millionaire Matchmaker, Blow Out), or have a platinum blonde crop, a steely gaze, and a job that is literally the most dull job to watch on television (Work Out, Tabitha's Salon Takeover). Alternatively, you could also get your very own stand-alone Bravo reality show if you happened to be Tim Gunn (Tim Gunn's Guide To Style) or Tim Gunn's direct opposite (Kathy Griffin), but only two people in the world fit those descriptions.
But then Andy Cohen, human-shaped pile of duh and Bravo's Senior Vice President of Production and Programming, gave himself his own Bravo talk show (Look At This Nightmare Live!) and now anyone can have their own show on Bravo. Well, anyone who has previously appeared on Bravo and whose screen presence can be replicated by rubbing itching powder directly into your eyes.
The untitled show starring Frankel, from the channel's "The Real Housewives of New York City," will showcase her career as a natural foods chef, as well as the Gotham socialite's love life.
The flamboyant Siriano, who won season four of "Project Runway" (back when the show still aired on Bravo), will be featured in his show as he sets up a new shop and markets his clothing line.
Viviani will star in "Fabio: A Catered Affair," which will chronicle the challenges he faces as he and business partner Jacopo Falleni look to expand their restaurant and catering business in Los Angeles. Viviani was a "Top Chef" finalist in season five.
So three of the most annoying Bravo reality show cast members each get their own shows? Makes perfect sense. After all, Bravo reality shows are popular because they're full of characters who are fun for the whole family to sit down and hate together.
But Fabio: A Catered Affair? That sounds like a romance novel about waiters, or a PBS cooking show. And Fabio already gave the network the perfect catchphrase to turn into the title of his new reality show: "Monkey ass in a clam shell." Wake up, Bravo. If you have an excuse to call your reality show Fabio: Monkey Ass In A Clam Shell, why would you call it anything else?
As for the other two, as-yet-untitled Bravo reality spin-offs, here are a few suggestions:
Y'all Ready To Get Frankel?
Bethenny Frankel: Socialite Schmochalite
Taste O' Twigs: The Bethenny Frankel Experience
Bethenny: Dead-Eyed & Loving It
The Bethenny Frankel Interlude
Bethenny Frankel: Skinny Girl In A Skinny World Skinny!
I'm The Width Of A Pine Needle: The Bethenny Frankel Show
Aggggghhhhh (works for either show)
Christian Siriano Is …Fiercing It Up In This Fierce Fierce
Fiercetron: A Christian Siriano Joint
Christian Siriano: I Think I'm Vivienne Westwood
[whiiiiiine] With Christian Siriano
Christian Siriano: Um, Siriously?
Elf Tales With Christian