Last night, dark clouds gathered, the sky turned crimson, large glistening boils sprouted on the flesh of the innocent, and the third episode of The Real Housewives Of New York City oozed on the air. It was a pretty average episode—Bethenny squawked, sad home-spa treatments were had, Ramona continued to have a probable head injury, and the gristley new housewife fell off of a horse, a triumph for sentient overcooked chicken wings everywhere—but watching it, I felt as if something besides life-sustaining oxygen was missing. Then Ramona tried to one-up Governor Patterson in terms of blindness, and it hit me: catchphrases. This show needs more catchphrases.
Like Top Chef ("monkey ass") and Project Runway ("fierce," "make it work"), The Real Housewives Of New York City as a Bravo reality competition show (they're all unofficially competing for the title of "Most Loathesome") is required to have a number of grating catchphrases. It's a convention of the genre that the public expects, and that Bravo's t-shirt department demands. So far, however, only Jill (Currently last place in the "Most Loathesome" competition) has managed to come up with one:
"I wanted to die. I wanted to die!" It's not the best catchphrase in the world, but it works and is a sentiment the audience can more than relate to when watching the show. Congratulations, Jill.
As for the other housewives, here are a few possible catchphrases for them to try:
"Gettin' friggy with it"
Bethenny thinks she's the comedian of the Housewives, and this catchphrase perfectly captures her comedy, which is mostly of the exaggerated z snap formation variety. "It was so hot under that tent, I was sweating like a friggin farm animal. But had to hit the dancefloor. Even the Countess was gettin friggy with it."
"You got it, dude!"
Since inside Ramona's skull is pretty much the last place you can see a tumbleweed in the wild, and considering that she has about the same mental capacity as the Olsen twins did when they were three, why not steal Michelle Tanner's catchphrase from Full House? It will quickly become the most coherent thing she says. "Oh my god. You look so orange dress. I've never seen you in this color before. Orange is my color. I wear it all the time because I love it like sleeping. And you lay on the pillow and think not real things. Lunch is so fun. You got it, dude!"
Since LuAnn's larynx is about give out anyway, she should just go ahead and get a laryngectomy. Normally, not being able to speak would be a difficult adjustment, but since the only thing LuAnn ever croaks is, "Countess. It's Countess LuAnn," she could just wear a sign around her neck that reads "COUNTESS" in glitter pen. Instant gimmick!
Bethenny: This is my friend LuAnn.
LuAnn: [sputtering, points to sign]
Bethenny: Excuse me. Countess LuAnn. She had a friggin laryngecto-what last week so now you can call her Countess Stephen Hawking.
Sentient Overcooked Chicken Wing:
"Why am I here?"
It's a bit existential for a catchphrase, but it captures the most useless character in a parade of useless characters well. "Why am I here? I fell off my horse. Why am I here? Oh, hi! I can't talk now. Why am I here?"
"Please kill me!" and/or "Somebody stop me!"
Not only would these be great catchphrases, but hopefully if Alex says them enough someone will eventually oblige. (And the second is a great homage to The Mask.) "Who doesn't want to own property? Please kill me!" "We have to go home and prepare for our vacation to Sant Barts. Somebody stop me!"