Following in D. Pufflebag's lawyering lawyer footsteps, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are guest starring in an upcoming episode of CSI. Unfortunately, this time around it's CSI: New York which means the fiery lure of David Caruso's Q-tip-soaked-in-iodine-and-left-in-the-sun hair isn't there to distract us from Wentz & Simpson's flailing attempts at acting. Still, they really bring the "Ashleesque" and "Wentzian" qualities to their roles as coke dealers who look an awful lot like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. How very method.

So, judging by their recent guest stars, the following people don't exist in the CSI universe:

—Pete Wentz

—Ashlee Simpson


—Taylor Swift (who apparently guest stars on one of the 100 iterations of the show tonight)


In the CSI universe, these people are lawyering lawyers, bratty drug dealers, and motel owners instead of slack-jawed egotism (Diddy), Hot Topic loudspeaker music purveyors and general annoyances (Wentz & Simpson), and breathy blandness (Taylor Swift). That means that people who live within the CSI universe have never been sonically assaulted by an Ashlee Simpson song, or witnessed an I Am King commercial. In other words, their world is better. True, they have to walk in slow motion with David Caruso sometimes, endure endless dramatic plinking, and their lives are very, very over-scored, but those are small prices to pay for a world with no Diddy, Simpson, or Wentz.