Here’s what’s up in the world of television for Monday, May 26. All times are Eastern.
Petals In The Wind (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): Happy Memorial Day! Are you hanging out with your family, planning on grilling some hot dogs or burgers, and looking for some good old-fashioned wholesome entertainment to accompany your flag-waving and veteran-appreciating? Well, Lifetime has something very special for you: The sequel to its upsettingly awful Flowers In The Attic, itself based on V.C. Andrews brilliant and ridiculous novel of the same name. With Petals In The Wind, we return to the incestuous family of sexy siblings, 10 years later—when they’re forced to confront their awkward feelings for each other and the Secrets Of Their Pasts Or Something. Genevieve Valentine watched it so you don’t have to—though you probably will anyway, who are you kidding?
MasterChef (Fox, 8 p.m.): Season five of this show about cooking that isn’t Top Chef or MasterChef Junior starts tonight. We don’t know why they even have the adult one anymore because we were very, very fond of MasterChef Junior.
The World Wars (History Channel, 9 p.m.): And over on the Channel of History, 20th century history gets a “big, dumb” action-movie treatment, in a miniseries that depicts European politics of the whole century. But mostly Hitler. Because, Hitler! Alasdair Wilkins wasn’t too impressed. With either the series or Hitler. But it will be on tonight, and we are also noting it.
The Boondocks (Adult Swim, 10:30 p.m.): And topically, following Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kanye West, Granddad takes the opportunity tonight to date a Kardashian. Eric Thurm is a little concerned, but on the other hand, if there’s a wedding, maybe there will be cake?
ELSEWHERE IN TV CLUB
And yes, as we mentioned earlier, it is Memorial Day. So there’s not too much new stuff on the site, besides the two TV Reviews above. But as Mad Men said goodbye to us last night, we decided to cope with an inventory about 17 supercomputers from the ’60s—from television, short stories, and alarmist cinema. It’s a super cool list, made more so by how hilariously competent we all thought computers would be about 50 years ago. Also, we promise we did not make any weird references to Halt And Catch Fire, unlike those weird AMC promos that mash up Mad Men with their new drama.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Justice League Unlimited (noon): We recently obtained a free copy of a Justice League Unlimited comic book, from the exciting world that is Free Comic Book Day In America And Stuff. It is a very silly but very cute story. Oliver Sava has been very patiently tolerating our foray into the wide world of comic books, and he probably tolerates yours, too.
WHAT ELSE IS ON? OR, HOW CAN NETWORKS USE THEIR EXISTING PROGRAMMING TO TIE INTO MEMORIAL DAY???
Antiques Road Show (PBS, 8 p.m.): The Road Show finishes up its stay in Richmond. Items include Langston Hughes-signed first editions an 1890 Frank Henry Shapleigh oil painting. Most importantly, tall-case clocks are discussed during a visit to Colonial Williamsburg. (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 3/5)
Rewrapped (Food Network, 8 p.m.): “The Utz Pretzel Rod is showcased in challenges.” (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 1/5 MAYBE RODS ARE A WEAPON FOR THE MILITARY?)
American Ninja Warrior (NBC, 9 p.m.): … Is the name of a real show on television. Yeah, sorry. We were a little sad, too. (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 2/5 WARRIORS ARE LIKE SOLDIERS, AND WE SHOULD REMEMBER THEM)
The Bachelorette (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): “14 of the men are asked to strip for charity.” (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 0/5 UNLESS ALL THE MEN ARE VETERANS?)
Sex Sent Me To The ER (TLC, 9 p.m.): “A clumsy couple lose something in the bedroom; a man visits the ER on the Fourth of July.” (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 2/5 UNLESS THEY LOST A FLAG, THEN 5/5)
Death And The Civil War: American Experience (PBS, 10 p.m.): A look at how America was transformed by the huge population loss created by the Civil War. Drew Gilpin Faust’s book The Republic Of Suffering is the basis for this documentary. (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 4/5 LOOKS PRETTY DEPRESSING)
Pearl Harbor (AMC, 7 p.m.): Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett lust after Kate Beckinsale and then a lot of really terrible war things happen, for like almost four hours. (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 4/5 SOME TRAGEDY DEPICTED DID ACTUALLY OCCUR)
Memorial Day (The CW, 8 p.m.): “Thirteen-year-old Kyle discovers his grandfather’s footlocker from World War II and asks him about his tour of duty. Years later, Kyle uses the wisdom gleaned from his grandfather while serving in Iraq.” (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 5/5 PERFECT MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN ACHIEVED!)
NBA playoffs: Eastern conference finals, game four: Pacers at Heat (TNT, 9 p.m.): (MEMORIAL DAY TIE-IN RATING: 3/5 BECAUSE SPORTS = AMERICA)
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Penny Dreadful: Sure, we and the rest of the world were a little hung up on last night’s Mad Men finale, but Scott Von Doviak did not forget about the weird and creepy world of Showtime’s Penny Dreadful, which spent last night telling us the origin story of Dr. Victor Frankenstein. Where is this season going? Who knows!