The Hollywood Wax Museum, a place that apparently specializes in laughably unrecognizable celebrity wax likenesses, is auctioning off some of their inventory to make room for more sadness. While this is great news for people who have always thought a creepy statue of Tom Cruise would really warm up their breakfast nook, or for people who want to stockpile wax figures for 2021 when the world will recognize only wax smiles as currency, but the auction catalog is also a great barometer for determining the overall worth of certain tv and film icons. Is there a better way of figuring out the relative worth of certain celebrities? Probably. Is there a better way that also includes pictures of wax figures? Definitely not.
Take, for example, Nicole Kidman:
Yes, that's supposed to be Nicole Kidman. You don't remember her harrowing 1991 portrayal of Long-Torsoed Chico's Catalog Model?
Priced at $1000-$1500, Kidman is one of the cheapest wax figures up for auction—a fact that could be chalked up to the fact that her wax figure doesn't even pretend to remotely resemble her. But as you'll see, all of these wax figures are only vaguely recognizable nightmares. The reason that Kidman's price is so low is because The Hollywood Wax Museum surmised, correctly, that people wouldn't pay that much to own a misshapen wax shadow of Nicole Kidman. Despite her fame, she's not worth that much. So which wax people are more valuable than Nicole Kidman?
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules ($4000-$6000)
I mean, obviously. The basketweave leather pants alone are worth more than Nicole Kidman, and who wouldn't want a nice Kevin Sorbo statue guarding their pool house?
Jay Leno ($3000-$5000)
This one is probably so expensive because it's so versatile. For the price of one wax figure, you get both Jay Leno, and the pear-shaped harbinger of death.
(what is allegedly) Julia Roberts ($2000-$3000)
This resembles a pile of mashed sweet potato as much as it does Julia Roberts. Still: more valuable than Nicole Kidman. Maybe it's because she could also be a support beam holding up a backyard Halloween house of horrors?
Half of Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone ($3000-$5000)
Even though this figure was clearly repurposed from a wax display about high school gym teachers, it's still worth more than Kidman. Though, it's easy to see why. If you go out of town, you could place this wax figure on your windowsill to frighten away would-be robbers, small children, neighbors, and happiness.