Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Monday, September 5. All times are Eastern.
Rizzoli & Isles (TNT, 9 p.m.): After all these weeks of your friendly neighborhood What’s On Tonight contributor talking about it, Rizzoli & Isles is finally saying goodbye for good. You know what’s not good? This synopsis for the episode: “The facts don’t add up when a dead man is found handcuffed to a bed in his own home. As the ‘Bon Voyage’ party approaches, everyone makes a video to say goodbye. In the series’ final episode of Rizzoli & Isles, everyone says farewell and plans for their next adventure.” Besides the fact that it just glosses over the handcuffed dead man in favor of the “stress” of saying goodbye in video form, the final line is unnecessary. And not just because it says “series’ final.” Plus, it’s a synopsis that just plain forgets to talk about Rizzoli or Isles. Oh well, here’s this:
On second thought, maybe the synopsis just did the best it could.
The Comedy Central Roast Of Rob Lowe (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.): There is now officially a problo, Rob Lowe.
Mary + Jane (MTV, 10 p.m.): So here’s the deal: MTV’s got this new sitcom about “two twentysomething best friends who run an all-female weed delivery service in Los Angeles.” Snoop Dogg’s an executive producer, which honestly makes a lot of sense—maybe if Snoop Dogg had been an executive producer on Weeds instead of just a guest star, things would have ended up differently, you know? But in terms of the actual creation of the show, writing/directing team Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont are responsible for that. So as long as Mary + Jane’s two twentysomething best friends—Jordan (Scout Durwood) and Paige (Jessica Rothe)—at least seem like the type of people who realize “Can’t Hardly Wait was definitely underrated” and/or that “Josie And The Pussycats is the best movie ever!” then everything should be fine. Also, weed jokes.
Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (Lifetime, 8 p.m.): Not only is there a Lifetime movie starring Eric Roberts titled Stalked By My Doctor, there’s a sequel to said movie. That would be this, Stalked By My Doctor: The Return, and yes, it also stars Eric Roberts. Maybe don’t keep letting Eric Roberts be your doctor? That’s just our first bit of advice, but that’s also the result of us going in cold; so what’s this movie actually about?
“Siri, why does God allow suffering?”
Harley And The Davidsons (Discovery Channel, 9 p.m.): Tonight is part one of Discovery Channel’s three-part Harley-Davidson miniseries, which “charts the birth of this iconic bike during a time of great social and technological change beginning at the turn of the 20th century.” In this specific installment, “Amazing Machine,” “after working with Bill Harley (Robert Aramayo) and his brother Arthur (Bug Hall) to develop a new bike, Walter Davidson (Michiel Huisman) tests it in a series of races against the industry standard, which is made by Indian Motorcycles.” That’s interesting, but we’re really more interested in whether or not the final episode will highlight the evolution of the motorcycle from this to this:
That’s really all we ask.
Cake Wars (Food Network, 9 p.m.): Cake Wars ends its fourth season with “Garfield,” even though Garfield hates Mondays. That insensitive decision aside, Garfield would most definitely appreciate all of the cakes made in his honor “for a special party.” What we’re saying is: Garfield is a real, anthropomorphic cat. And he deserves to be treated as such.
Hit The Floor (VH1, 9 p.m.): Apparently, tonight’s the night for the “highly anticipated Hit The Floor: Til Death Do Us Part.” According to VH1’s press release, ‘the one-hour special will take dramatic and unexpected turns as Ahsha Hayes (Taylour Paige) and Derek Roman (McKinley Freeman) plan to say ‘I do’ and ‘Who shot Jelena (Logan Browning)?’ is revealed.” You’ve got to appreciate a show that promises to “take dramatic and unexpected turns” for when it eventually makes turns that make no sense, which is what we assume will happen here. The show will just be following up on its promises, and you can’t fault it for that.
America: Facts Vs. Fiction (American Heroes Channel, 10 p.m.): American Heroes Channel—which is totally a real channel—is dedicating its entire day to marathoning its series America: Facts Vs. Fiction—also totally a real show. And said marathon shall end with the season premiere, “All-American Landmarks,” in which “notable U.S. landmarks are spotlighted.” For those of you who still question the existence of this show, here’s what it’s about: “An exploration of the history of America and its military that sheds light on facts and details that have been long lost, distorted and/or ignored; and that debunks myths, as well.” See? The fake show rumor that we just started has officially been debunked.
The Real Housewives Of New Jersey (Bravo, 10 p.m.): “All Bets Are Off,” huh, Jersey Housewives? We’ll be the judge of that, as well if it’s really worth a new episode on a special night and time. “Melissa prepares her daughter for a dance. In addition, Jacqueline presides over a poker night, but things get dicey with Rosie; Teresa has a book-launch party that gets interrupted; and Siggy comforts a mourning Dolores.” Honestly, we’re just upset at this synopsis for trying to mix “poker night” and “dicey”—there are no dice in poker, and we see you trying to be cute. All bets really are off, simply for that.
Loosely Exactly Nicole (MTV, 10:30 p.m.): MTV has another new sitcom tonight, this time from MTV mainstay, Nicole Byer. In Loosely Exactly Nicole, Byer plays a version of herself, “living the Hollywood dream… and it’s not so much a dream but a struggle.” “With the help of her two besties, Veronica and Devin, Nicole will have to navigate the “real world” as she endures humiliating auditions, unpaid electric bills and the romantic battlefield that is Tinder, all while slowly, but surely, finding her voice as a comedian.” In the series premiere, “Babysitting,” “Nicole uses a child she’s babysitting to help secure an acting role, and Devin seeks Veronica’s advice on satisfying a new man.” Ah, classic Nicole.
WWE Monday Night RAW (USA, 8 p.m.)
Roseanne, “Labor Day” (Amazon Video/YouTube): By the way, it’s Labor Day! And television, for all of its love of gimmick and holiday episodes doesn’t really do Labor Day-based episodes. Unless we’re talking puns with regards to childbirth, and in this case, we officially are. So that’s what lead us to pick this episode of Roseanne, even though Roseanne in general is probably the perfect Labor Day show to marathon. So do both, just to be safe.