Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Now Jay Leno Can Be Your Mommy AND Your Child

When you think of Jay Leno, does an outpouring of filial warmth spring from your otherwise cold craggy heart? Do you feel his steady hand on your shoulder as he gently pushes you towards the doorway on your first day of school, or hear the promise of safety in his calm, comforting voice? When perusing the racks at department stores, do you find yourself inexplicably drawn to light chambray denim button-down shirts, despite their inherent atrociousness, simply because they remind you of your Leno? At your desk at work, do you sometimes catch yourself absentmindedly winding a lock of your hair around and around your fingers, because that’s what you used to do to Jay’s hair as he read you a story at night?

No? Well then congratulations! You’re not part of the sizable group of people who have an “emotional attachment” to Jay Leno, and who will therefore make his new NBC 10pm fiefdom a hit.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

After subjecting the fall slate to a comprehensive review, NewMediaMetrics' predictive analysis suggests that CBS' "NCIS: Los Angeles" should scare up big ratings Tuesdays at 9 p.m. while NBC's "The Jay Leno Show" could prove to be a powerhouse at 10 p.m., particularly on Tuesdays…

NMM co-founders Gary Reisman and Denise Larson noted that while no one has seen a final blueprint for the new Leno program, the elevated expectations are a function of viewers' "emotional attachment" to the comedian. Per NMM's findings, 17% of Leno's core demo gave him a score of at least 9 out of 10. That attachment translates into a group much more likely to watch "Leno" than anything else in the time period.


At first glance, the fact that some people really, really like Jay Leno might not seem that surprising. Of course some people like Jay Leno. After all, people like a lot of dumb things: Uggs, Chris Hansen, Grey's Anatomy, Axe, The Wendy Williams Show, etc. In many ways, Leno's Tonight Show was like those Your Baby Can Read videos, but for grown-ups: a jumble of shapes and silly headlines and easy topical jokes and chuckles that gently lulled the viewer to sleep. Leno could have simply called his new show Your Grown-Up Can Laff, With Jay Leno. But it’s the degree to which these people are emotionally attached to Leno that is a little disturbing, especially when you read this:

The NMM team's research model is derived from the methods developed by Jonathan Bowlby, the British behaviorist who in the 1940s developed a methodological approach to quantifying the emotional bond between mothers and children.

In other words, Jay Leno is someone’s mommy—at least when it comes to emotional attachment. That final image from his final Tonight Show of Leno sprawled out on the floor in front of the dozens of children born to Tonight Show employees during Leno’s 17-year tenure as host suddenly seems sharper, creepier.


But is it possible to have a deeper, more disturbing emotional connection to Jay Leno? Thanks to the California Cryobank’s new Donor Look-A-Likes program, now it is!

From KTLA (via Videogum):

Want to have a baby that looks like your favorite celebrity? It just got a whole lot easier to design your future baby, thanks to a Los Angeles sperm bank.

"California Cryobank" announced Tuesday that it has started posting photos of celebrities who resemble their donors to give prospective clients a better idea of what their potential offspring might look like.


Finally, your dream of having a baby with a Jaleel White look-a-like can come true! You can name him Stephan! Other "favorite celebrities" sperm-a-likes you can search for include: Colin Firth, Rob Schnieder, one-time SNL cast member Finesse Mitchell, Corey Haim, Dave Coulier, Jay Leno, and even Conan O'Brien.   

"The number one client question we get is: `Who does this donor look like?"' said Scott Brown of California Cryobank. "We decided this would be a great way to give thorough and consistent answers. Clients love it."


Of course they do! Now, not only can they be emotionally attached to their favorite celebrity like a child to its mother, they can be emotionally attached to their favorite celebrity like a mother to its child. It’s the circle of celebrity-based life, and it creates a sucking black void at its center, thus involuntarily moving us all.

Now Jay Leno can be your mommy and your child!  So, for that matter, can Conan O’Brien—which means that Conan’s parody of Leno’s children-of-the-Tonight-Show moment might not be a parody in a few years.


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