Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Noted Performance Artist Spencer Pratt Will Save Us All From The Net

You might remember noted performance artist Spencer Pratt from such staged photo ops as Guns n' Beer On A Pier, Easter Nightmare, and Lifeless Plastic Shell? That's My Wife. He also once lived in a jungle with Frangela for some kind of art project that was televised by NBC.

But now Spencer Pratt says that his performance art days are behind him. He will no longer live publicly as a professional asshole just to see what happens. Instead, Spencer Pratt has taken on a new, and far nobler mission: to protect America from cyber crimes—which are 63% worse than Crimes Against Virtual Reality.


From People:

"In the last few months I have discovered a new passion and new purpose to my life," Pratt tells PEOPLE. "With this in mind, I have decided to take a break from my obligations to MTV's The Hills and discontinue filming any more episodes for this current season."

Currently studying software engineering with a focus on encryption at USC, Pratt says he's headed to work for American Defense Enterprises in their cyber security division.

"Upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,' I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges," he says.

See, President Obama himself basically called Spencer Pratt to Computer Protection Duty, and so Spencer had to answer—even if it meant giving up portraying the role of "Spencer Pratt" on The Hills. Do you know what a huge sacrifice that is? It's like living inside a priceless Faberge egg made out of vacant stares and senses-numbing nightclubs for years, and then giving that all up to patrol the dull, blue light Internet tunnels of Hackers. Spencer Pratt is an American hero.

But what is this "American Defense Enterprises" thing? I'm not sure, but they do have the best website I've ever seen (incidentally, the only other websites I've seen are Organic Liason and Jukt Micronics):

Illustration for article titled Noted Performance Artist Spencer Pratt Will Save Us All From The Net

Apparently, American Defense Enterprises is some company that teaches  people how to shoot guns, excuse me, they're some company that "offers world-class training in the entire spectrum of small arms weaponry (handguns, rifles, shotguns)."  Nowhere on their website do they mention anything about a "cyber security division." But there is this:

The simple facts are that most altercations occur in the dark and against multiple opponents. Often times, they occur in the dead of night when senses are diminished and advantages go to the one most prepared. Owning a gun is just the first part of personal safety. Many people own guns - but very few are capable of defending themselves, or their loved ones, in such deadly circumstances.


So, Spencer Pratt is going to learn how to shoot lethal computers in the dark for America.

I can see the photo op now: Spencer Pratt smiling, gun in hand, while he displays the carcass of a freshly-killed laptop.