Tim Tebow is a guy who spends most of his time crouched over a mirror painstakingly painting Bible verses in the hollows under his eyes. In his spare time, he plays college football. Those are two perfectly good reasons why Tim Tebow should be avoided. After all, the first rule of society is: If you see someone with stuff written on their face, or facial tattoos (hi, Mike Tyson), do not engage with that person. Facial markings such as those on a human being are like bright red leaves on poisonous plants: a warning to stay far, far away. (Incidentally, the second rule of society is: College is the most annoying of all the footballs.)

Tim Tebow, of course, wants you to engage with him. Like all face-painting crazies, he craves your attention and feeds off of your curious stares. They give him the resolve to paint longer, more obscure Bible verses on his face; they steady his hand as he does his delicate, insane brushwork along his cheeks. Which is perhaps why he and his mother put out a $3 million ad during the Superbowl asking all of America to focus on the Tebow family, or something.

Obviously, the ad should have cut right after the angry, overgrown miracle baby viciously knocked down his mom, and ended with the tagline: "Go to FocusOnTimTebow'sFamily.com or we'll tackle this mom. Again."


Aww. Don't you want to find out more about this zany mom-tackling family? No, of course not. Just keep walking and whatever you do don't make eye contact. That's what they want.