As a society—despite MTV’s best efforts to insist otherwise—we’ve moved beyond Jersey Shore. (Because we now have Floribama Shore, the even drunker, even louder, even more vapid Southern cousin). But, that doesn’t mean that we can leave the emissaries of blowouts and GTL behind entirely. Like it or not, the former roommates are part of our collective cultural history—orange-tinted vomit machines whose TV show will live in infamy forevermore.
With that said, come along with us as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi opens old family photo albums of Shore days past and attempts to explain why she was wearing whatever ridiculous shit she had on at the time.
After tweeting that she was happy to describe “what was going on” with the “iconic Snooki outfits” sent her way, the archives opened. In one of the most typical examples of the ongoing documentary process, Snooki was presented with an old photo of herself and she explained that creative inspiration struck when, “I couldn’t decide if i wanted to do denim, leopard, stockings and a hot pink bag. So i did it all, fuck it.” In another selection, we learn that a pair of shoes was picked out because “they made my legs look 1000x tanner.”
Over time, Snooki’s sartorial vision becomes clear. If someone doesn’t want to “feel like a gross,” they might consider wearing a zebra-striped tank top with “Instant Slut: Just Add Alcohol” printed on it. If you’d like a day off from work, borrow a friend’s neck brace and walk around in it drinking vodka from a juice bottle. If you don’t want to let the bastards see the pain in your eyes, put on a pair of sunglasses with rhinestones covering the lenses while a “whole crowd of 7k people” boo you. And if you’d like to increase the odds of people at a Vegas night club giving you free pickles, dress in the all-green regalia of “the pickle princess.”
Snooki’s ongoing oral history isn’t quite as detailed as the monstrous one published by Vulture a few years back, but it’s an essential addition to the primary source material available to students of trash reality shows. We look forward to it continuing, knowing that one day our future historians will treasure every scrap of this body of knowledge.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to firstname.lastname@example.org