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Nick Cannon: Millennial Whisperer

Like most of America, I'm waiting for the movie where Mel Gibson inexplicably develops the ability to hear the the inner voices of teens ("OMG Facebook!" "Swingin on the flippity flop!" "If Justin Beiber were here, would he like my outfit?" etc.) called What Teens Want to find out what teens want. The advertising industry, however, can't wait. They have Limited Edition Twilight Harvest Cheddar Doritos and hundreds of crates of X-treme Swaggerlicious Mountain Dew to sell. Which is why this is happening:

Finally, there's a marketing conference to explain to the advertising industry how teenz r livin 2day! Apparently, they're living in a tunnel of giant flying LOLs and Sidekick 2s, they have fashionably sprained wrists and always dress for at least two X-treme temperatures, and they're all currently employed as college brochure stock photo models. Millennials, ya heard?!


Obviously the What Teens Want marketing conference is ridiculous—All marketing conferences are ridiculous. It's a bunch of people sitting around watching powerpoint presentations about texting in the hope of selling their new energy gum to high schoolers. But guess who's going to be giving one of those powerpoint presentations at this particular conference? World-renowned Millennial Whisperer, Nick Cannon.

Apparently, the What Teens Want conference is all about figuring out what teens wanted in 2004—which was more episodes of Wild 'n Out and anecdotes about the set of Drumline.

Nick Cannon should send a copy of the conference brochure to his mom, because unless there's an upcoming How To Be Married To Mariah Carey conference, a Put Re-runs Of Full House On TeenNick And Call Yourself A Chairman seminar, or a Memories of Nickelodeon's All That symposium, he's never going to be a keynote speaker again.


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