Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, August 8. All times are Eastern.
Go On (NBC, 11:05 p.m.): NBC is betting that after you’ve spent a full evening watching Olympic action, what you’ll most want to do is check out a muddled tragicomedy with serious tonal issues starring Matthew Perry! Actually, Go On is one of the more promising new comedies of the year, but that becomes a little more complicated when you realize that “one of the more promising new comedies of the year” just means, “Hey, at least we didn’t want to claw our eyeballs out with a spork when it was over.” Todd VanDerWerff and Erik Adams get to the bottom of what makes Matthew Perry cry.
The 2012 Summer Olympics (NBC, 8 p.m.): Now that NBC has no gymnastics to air, David Sims isn’t sure what the network will do with itself. There will always be track and field, of course, but the network can’t just air beach volleyball matches forever, can it? Oh, it probably can, David. It probably can.
Dallas (TNT, 9 p.m.): It’s time for the season finale already? Phil Dyess-Nugent hopes the show comes up with some way to blend the original series’ two most famous cliffhangers, like everybody wakes up and finds the cast of Dynasty in the shower, and then somebody comes in and shoots them all.
Damages (DirecTV’s Audience Network, 9 p.m.): “There’s Something Wrong With Me” says tonight’s title, and we’re hoping it’s uttered by Ryan Phillippe as he flagellates himself with a homemade whip at 3 in the morning, tears of blood dripping down his face. Joshua Alston thinks we need to get out more.
Futurama (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.): Bender searches for the meaning of life. We’re willing to bet that if anybody can tell him about it, it’s someone in the Futurama writers room. But those bastards won’t share it with us! They’ll embed it in a weird equation in the background, and Zack Handlen will weep.
Hit & Miss (DirecTV’s Audience Network, 10 p.m.): Tonight, we consider the fine art of chopping up a body, as Mia and Eddie are forced to dispose of a corpse as quickly (and messily) as possible. Farihah Zaman is fairly certain that chopping up a body is nothing like cutting up a chicken, but who knows?
Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Phil Dyess-Nugent bets that Bravo has the right tactic to take when competing against the Summer Olympics by hauling out Winter Olympian Brian Boitano to sample the chefs’ vittles and remind us all of that South Park song that will now be stuck in your head all day.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Carnivàle (1 p.m.): Ben’s out there, looking for the Crone, but he gets lost in the woods while doing so. What? He didn’t think to bring a compass? Todd VanDerWerff gets lost every damn day, but he always knows where to go by examining which side of trees the moss grows on. Shut up! It totally works!
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Melissa & Joey (ABC Family, 8 p.m.): “Elsewhere, Lennox’s gym teacher thinks Lennox is pregnant,” says the episode summary, and if we’d watched this show beyond the first handful of episodes, we might be chuckling pleasantly at the thought of the hijinks to come. Instead, we’re just as confused as you are.
Adam Richman’s Best Sandwich In America (Travel Channel, 9 p.m.): Adam Richman’s journey through the United States in search of the best sandwich is essential television this summer, even if you think the BITE scale is mostly bullshit. It completely is, but, man, this show always makes us want 50 sandwiches.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (TLC, 10 p.m.): For some reason, TLC gave a reality show to a former contestant on Toddlers & Tiaras. Are we excited for it? We wouldn’t qualify it in quite that fashion, but we do like having another show to turn to when we contemplate reasons the human race should end.
Paranormal Witness (Syfy, 10 p.m.): The series Syfy insists is the scariest on TV returns for its latest season, and in the premiére, a parapsychologist examines a young mother’s California bungalow. Man, there’s just nothing that doesn’t sound more terrifying than the phrase “California bungalow,” huh?
I’m Not There (Sundance Channel, 8 p.m.): Bob Dylan—or Bob Dylan’s essence or whatever—is played by six different people in this very strange, very hypnotic Todd Haynes movie that was all the rage there for a little bit. Which celebrity would you like to see played by six different people? We say Dick Vitale.
Down To Earth (TCM, 10 p.m.): Rita Hayworth is lovely—as always—in this sequel to Here Comes Mr. Jordan, about an goddess who comes down to Earth for a Broadway musical. This seems like something a goddess would do, don’t you think? Certainly much more believable than angels interfering in baseball games.
Soccer: AC Milan vs. Real Madrid (ESPN2, 8 p.m.): Two of the biggest soccer teams in the world are playing each other at Yankee Stadium, because nobody can figure out what else to do while the Olympics are on. Most of the spectators will probably be puzzled Yankee fans, come to think of it.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Hard Knocks (Tuesday): If you’re starting to get excited about the NFL season, HBO has you covered, taking you inside the Miami Dolphins’ training camp. Now, maybe you don’t give two shits about the Miami Dolphins but still want to know what happened. If that’s the case, Scott Von Doviak can tell you.