Heartbeat (NBC, 8 p.m.): Yes, NBC’s Heartbeat technically premiered last night and was the top pick for said night. But this is the official premiere and regular night for the show, and we’re taking it back, Alasdair “#HEEL” Wilkins. Plus, this is the What’s On Tonight that mentions “Doctor Face-Hands,” so we think we all know which one is the true Heartbeat-based What’s On Tonight. Two nights of Heartbeat as top pick won’t hurt anyone.
Of course, we mostly wanted to use this as an outlet to discuss the facts that:
- Alias season three wasn’t Melissa George’s fault at all—blame a certain network that didn’t want Alias to be Alias, okay?!?
- The original Australian version of The Slap is still something your friendly neighborhood What’s On Tonight contributor will defend to her death. Even with the lack of Penn Badgley.
- Hunted should have gotten more than one season.
- Heart-Hands make a lot more sense than Face-Hands.
So, yeah… Heartbeat is on again tonight, guys! You read Gwen Ihnat’s pre-air review, right? We did our job then.
The Middle/The Goldbergs (ABC, 8/8:30 p.m.): First up on The Middle, “THE DONAHUES JOIN THE HECKS ON A SPRING BREAK VACATION, WHICH DOESN’T GO AS SMOOTHLY AS PLANNED.” So this is the week where The Middle does its own spin on Spring Breakers. Finally. Then, over in the ‘80s: “Inspired by David Copperfield’s walk through The Great Wall of China, Adam becomes a magician in order to impress a girl at school.” Oh, Adam. Let’s look at that again: “…David Copperfield…Adam becomes…magician…to impress…girl.” Oh, Adam. Have fun with these two, Will Harris.
Arrow (The CW, 8 p.m.): Cupid is back in town, baybay! And Alasdair “#CONSPIRACYVICTIM” Wilkins should be happy we even mentioned that. Heartbeat is our turf, Wilkins!
Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): “CAM’S SISTER PAM IS HAVING BOY PROBLEMS.” Did someone say “boy problems,” Kyle Fowle?!?
Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): This week’s episode of Black-ish is all about sisterly bonding: “Diane decides to run for class president, so when the smart and bubbly Susie Kwest becomes her competition, Zoey helps Diane create a smear campaign to win Diane the vote.” Ah, that brings LaToya Ferguson back to the good old days—you know, creating smear campaigns against children. No, her little sister never ran for class president. Why do you ask?
The Americans (FX, 10 p.m.): We forget—this is another season of that Fargo show, right?
Younger (TV Land, 10 p.m.): “No Weddings & A Funeral”? That sounds like season finale talk. Oh, it is? We’re really nailing this stuff tonight, aren’t we? Plus, last week, a beam nailed a douchebag. Two weeks before that, a different douchebag nailed a sheep. So we’re super psyched for whatever happens in tonight’s season finale. Have fun, Alexa Planje.
Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.)
Star Wars Rebels (Disney XD, 9 p.m.)
Broad City (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)
Hap And Leonard (Sundance, 10 p.m.)
Underground (WGN America, 10 p.m.)
What else is on?
Rosewood (Fox, 8 p.m.): “Rosie insists on celebrating his and Villa’s nine-and-a-half month anniversary as partners.” We’re assuming that’s supposed to be seen as quirky or endearing, but really, that just makes him sound obnoxious as hell. Thanks, Rosewood—you’ve created a world in which a Morris Chestnut character is obnoxious as hell.
Young & Hungry (Freeform, 8 p.m.): Is it possible that “Young & Clippy” is Young & Hungry’s ode to that Microsoft Word mascot? Oh—nope. As it turns out, it’s a “fan appreciation special” (psst, it’s a clip show) hosted by Young & Hungry’s own Kym Whitley. It could have been about Clippy, but in true Young & Hungry fashion, it decided to spit in our damn face.
Schitt’s Creek (Pop, 8 p.m.): “Moira tries out for the town’s a cappella group,” and we somehow had to wait until season two for that to happen on this show.
Baby Daddy (Freeform, 8:30 p.m.): “When Sam tells Ben that she may quit her job as bar manager because of her long commute, he comes up with a solution to keep her close to work, which involves Danny vacating his room. However, Ben’s master plan doesn’t work out too well when Sam brings home her boyfriend.” Ben really will do anything to fuck a woman, won’t he? (And yes, that’s definitely what it’s about, because the episode is titled “Room-Mating.”)
Wahlburgers (A&E, 9/9:30 p.m.): This week, this show that exists has decided to say “fuck it, haha, we exist” by starting things off with an episode titled “Bahston Gahden Pahtay.” Yup.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 9 p.m.): “When an UnSub targets the BAU, and the team goes into action to find out who is responsible.” Our guess is probably some dummy from Scorpion, but CBS hasn’t been taking our network synergy calls, so…
Supernatural (The CW, 9 p.m.): “JIM BEAVER RETURNS.” Well that’s one way to come back from a break, Supernatural.
Hell’s Kitchen (Fox, 9 p.m.): “Each team will be responsible for preparing three entrees, each using a different protein. But, there’s a catch: only one chef from each team will be allowed in the kitchen at a time. The winning team will enjoy a VIP day at the Santa Anita horse racetrack, while the losing team will be left behind to unload 100 pounds of lamb, in preparation for their upcoming dinner service.” This is a weird television show.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC, 9 p.m.): “When one of their own is implicated in a cover-up, the SVU struggles to unravel a sex trafficking operation deeply-rooted in government offices, the police department, and the Catholic Church.” Fingers crossed WWE Superstar Ryback solves the case. It’s what he does. (Apologies in advance for everyone so confused by this very specific reference.)
Face Off (Syfy, 9 p.m.): “Characters from the World of Warcraft game come to life by the remaining artists who create realistic characters for the 2016 film adaptation.” Ehh… Do we really need that?
Donnie Loves Jenny (A&E, 10/10:30 p.m.): Neither episode title does a weird Boston accent thing, SO WHAT IS THE POINT?!?
Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.): There’s a new episode of Nashville tonight.
Jumper (OuterMax, 7:10 p.m.): “A young man discovers he has the ability to teleport himself anywhere in the world, but is quickly hunted by a secret society determined to rid the world of ‘jumpers’ like him.” Counterpoint synopsis?
Sports, sports, all type of sports
MLB Spring Training Baseball: Marlins at Cardinals (FSN, 1 p.m.)
Women’s Lacrosse: Stanford at Johns Hopkins (ESPNU, 6 p.m.)
NCAA Division II Women’s Basketball Tournament (CBS Sports, 7 p.m.)
NIT Basketball Tournament: A quarterfinal (ESPN2, 7 p.m.)
NBA Basketball: Knicks at Bulls (ESPN, 8 p.m.)
NBA D-League Basketball: Delaware at Canton (ESPNU, 8 p.m.)
NHL Hockey: Bruins at Rangers (NBC Sports, 8 p.m.)
NIT Basketball Tournament: A quarterfinal (ESPN2, 9 p.m.)
NCAA Division II Women’s Basketball Tournament (CBS Sports, 9:30 p.m.)
Lucha Underground (El Rey, 8 p.m.)
WWE NXT (WWE Network, 8 p.m.)
Ring Of Honor (Comet TV, midnight)
In case you missed it
American Crime Story: Slows down.