Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Friday, December 9, and Saturday, December 10. All times are Eastern.
Mozart In The Jungle (Amazon, 3:01 a.m., Friday): Fans of classical music-themed comedy-drama rejoice! The entire third season of this sexy, symphonic tale of spirited musicians and conductors starring the likes of Gael García Bernal, Lola Kirke, Malcolm McDowell, Saffron Burrows, and Bernadette Peters drops today, answering the question once and for all if Beethoven or Barry White is the best “getting it on” music.
Albert (Nickelodeon, 7 p.m., Friday): Reliably funny people Bobby Moynihan, Sasheer Zamata, Judah Friedlander, and Rob Riggle all lend their voices to this new holiday-themed animated movie, about a scruffy little pine tree who wants to go the the big city and become someone’s Christmas tree. Presumably, he is aware that most Christmas trees are killed before being put on display, withering and browning in people’s living rooms before being unceremoniously hurled out with the trash on the first garbage day of the new year and has a plan to avoid such a fate.
Tom Papa: Human Mule (Epix, 8 p.m., Friday): For your standup comedy needs.
Madonna: Rebel Heart Tour (Showtime, 9 p.m., Friday): If Madonna’s still your thing, then you are now happy, as this concert film will reportedly be chock-a-block full of Madonna music. Just a rumor, but a pretty reliable one.
Joe Pera Helps You Find The Perfect Christmas Tree (Adult Swim, 12:01 a.m., Saturday): Speaking of holiday foliage. Sort of sleepier, more neurotic Steven Wright in style, standup comic Joe Pera might just be the perfect guy to help you pick out your holiday tree. Or he might make you very uncomfortable. Either way, this typically weird special is just the sort of thing you go to Adult Swim for.
A Wedding Christmas Date (Lifetime, 8 p.m., Saturday): Look, the weekend What’s On Tonight held out as long as possible, but here—here! A lady needs a… Christmas wedding date. George Wendt is in it, but probably not as the romantic lead. Now that would be a top pick.
Merry Ex-Mas (TV One, 8 p.m., Saturday): And here. A lady tries to wreck her ex’s new romance because she’s still in love with him. On Christmas. It exists.
A Nutcracker Christmas (Hallmark, 8 p.m., Saturday): A girl wants to be a Christmas ballerina. She faces obstacles. At Christmastime. Are you happy now?
30 For 30: Catholics Vs. Convicts (ESPN, 9 p.m., Saturday): ESPN’s sports documentary series takes a look at the 1984 football game between Notre Dame and the University Of Florida, a high-powered showdown between contenders overshadowed by a Notre Dame student’s inflammatory t-shirts designed to denigrate Florida’s student-athletes. Sportsmanship! Our own Noel Murray has on his “Critics Vs. Documentaries” T-shirt for the review. He may also be wearing a straw boater, but that’s just because he’s fancy.
Premieres and finales
Captive (Netflix, 3:01 a.m., Friday): Netflix would very much like you to consider this true crime series—about hostage situations and negotiations from around the world—your newest, Making A Murder-level binge watch. They said, “please.”
Fuller House (Netflix, 3:01 a.m., Friday): Wait, this wasn’t just a goof? Well, someone must know what they’re doing, as this totally necessary revival of that show you used to watch ironically returns with another season. Our own Joshua Alston said memorably that the dramaturgy of the first season was “like a porn parody without the porn.” We’re not gonna top that one, so caveat emptor, people.
Medici: Masters Of Florence (Netflix, 3:01 a.m., Friday): From the combined, eccentrically wonderful talents of former X-Files and current The Man In The High Castle scribe Frank Spotnitz, and Nicholas Meyer of Star Trek II, IV, and VI and Time After Time fame comes this costume drama-thriller about those kooky 15th-century Italian poison enthusiasts, the Medici. Co-starring Dustin Hoffman, for added incongruity.
White Rabbit Project (Netflix, 3:01 a.m., Friday): The Mythbusters crew returns! Well, not those two hirsute fellows that get Liz Lemon all worked up in her bathing suit area, but the other three! You know them—the B-story busters, Grant Imahara, Tory Belleci, and Kari Byron. What, they can totally bust myths, too. Bust ’em up real good.
Blue Bloods (CBS, 10 p.m., Friday): It’s the seventh season finale of this family-of-cops drama series, as Tom Selleck’s all-blue brood chases down a trio of police-type mysteries, all taking place under the shadow of rumors that the mustached one might be leaving the show after this year. Break it to your dad gently.
Van Helsing (Syfy, 10 p.m., Friday): In the first season finale of this post-apocalyptic vampire series sees Kelly Overton’s Vanessa Helsing (get it?) puzzling over the implications of her human-vampire heritage. Luckily, she’s in a position to work things out with some cathartic violence. We should all be so fortunate.
Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (BBC America, 9 p.m., Saturday): The second attempt to capture the intellectual loopiness of Douglas Adams’ unconventional detective novels comes to an end tonight. A.V. Clubber Lisa Weidenfeld hasn’t been terribly impressed with series creator Max Landis’ gunplay-heavy take on the source material, although, like Dirk himself, she’s following this thing all the way to the improbable end.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m., Friday)
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (The CW, 9 p.m., Friday)
Z Nation (Syfy, 9 p.m., Friday)
The Exorcist (Fox, 9 p.m., Friday)
Star Wars Rebels (Disney XD, 8:30 p.m., Saturday)
Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 p.m., Saturday)
Look Around You (YouTube): Since White Rabbit Project is so busy busting all the scientific myths all over the place, why not take the time to introduce yourself to a few new ones with this magnificently bizarre faux science show from British comedians Peter Serafinowicz and Robert Popper? Specifically a parody of the BBC’s educational programming, Look Around You takes the form of a series of deliriously fake scientific lectures, all presented in a dry, clinical manner that only makes the accumulating parade of nonsense that much funnier. Below, please learn the lowdown on calcium, including the rare but terrifying condition, The Helvetica Scenario.