Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Monday, March 7. All times are Eastern.
Damien (A&E, 10 p.m.): Gather around, families—it’s Damien o’clock. Yes, we’re talking The Omen’s Damien. There’s a TV show about that now. But hey, A&E is doing pretty well with Bates Motel, right? It should be fine. (Brandon Nowalk’s pre-air review of the series says otherwise though…) “Damien follows the adult life of Damien Thorn, the mysterious child from the 1976 horror film, The Omen, who has grown up seemingly unaware of the satanic forces around him. Haunted by his past, Damien must now come to terms with his true destiny — that he is the Antichrist.” By the way, if One Million Moms is so upset about Lucifer making Lucifer a tragic figure (like that’s the first time it’s ever happened), then how many mom do you think are upset about this? Especially since Bradley James—you know, cute Arthur from Merlin/cute Lowell from iZombie—is playing the role of cute Damien.
House Of Cards (Netflix): Scott “Scotty VD” Von Doviak is on the House Of Cards scene for TV Club, and he’s as excited as a person can be when they don’t know they’re still being called “Scotty VD.”
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (The CW, 8 p.m.): Guess what? “Josh Is Going To Hawaii!” But what about Darryl and White Josh? “Darryl (Pete Gardner) wants to let everyone know about his newfound bisexuality.” Go on and live your best self, Darryl. Allison Shoemaker is still wondering what’s going on with the Josh/Hawaii situation, but since that has nothing to do with Darryl/White Josh, she can just wait until she watches the episode.
WWE Monday Night RAW (USA, 8 p.m.): LaToya Ferguson is back on the RAW beat for the road to… Roadblock.
Gotham (Fox, 8 p.m.): “Wrath of the Villains: A Dead Man Feels No Cold.” With episode titles like this, Gotham really should be a lot funnier than it actually is. Don’t you agree, Kyle Fowle? (Something something Roman Reigns.)
RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo, 9 p.m.): Who’s ready for 90 minutes of the Drag Race season eight premiere? (That would be your cue to answer.) Also, have you been hoping Oliver Sava would write a 100 Episodes piece on the show? You don’t have to answer that one—instead, we’ll just hook you up with said piece. We’re so great.
Bates Motel (A&E, 9 p.m.): A&E is single-handedly working to assure that television watchers go to Hell in a handbasket, and honestly, we kind of dig that. Keep doing you, A&E. Oh, by the way, this is the fourth season premiere of Bates Motel. You know, in case you were wondering, Alex McCown. Just keeping you on your toes, buddy.
11.22.63 (Hulu, midnight)
Wander Over Yonder (DisneyXD, 8:30 p.m.)
Jane The Virgin (The CW, 9 p.m.)
The Magicians (Syfy, 9 p.m.)
Better Call Saul (AMC, 10 p.m.)
Random Roles, meet Kiefer Sutherland. Kiefer Sutherland, meet Random Roles.
And now for something completely different: Here’s a For Our Consideration from Nico Lang about “The Good Wife’s radical post-queerness.” Remember Kalinda, guys?
Follow-up question: Remember slavery, guys? Now that we’ve got your attention, allow us to direct you to Joshua Alston’s pre-air review of WGN America’s Underground.
The Bachelor (ABC, 8 p.m.): Oh yeah, “The Women Tell All.” At the risk of pissing off Margaret Cho…
The Fosters (Freeform, 8 p.m.): “With their sixteenth birthdays just around the corner, Mariana and Jesus disagree over how to celebrate.” First of all, let’s just agree to suspend disbelief when it comes to these two being 16. (Not even really because of the actors’ age; because Freeform shows’ timelines are always on the wonky side of things.) Second of all… Actually, let’s just focus really hard on that suspension of disbelief.
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.): Tonight is “The Blind Auditions, Part 3.” Also, Carson Daly.
Love & Hip Hop (VH1, 8 p.m.): “In the sixth-season finale, Remy Ma’s wedding day has arrived, but obstacles stand in her way.” Are these literal, physical obstacles? Could it be all of the cameras?
American Dad (TBS, 8:30 p.m.): “Stan is enlisted to organize the CIA calendar, but Hayley sets out to destroy it. Elsewhere, Roger fakes his own death to avoid paying a huge balance on a credit card.” We’re glad to see both of this week’s American Dad plots have characters go to much farther extremes than they ever needed to go. That’s just good television.
Vanderpump Rules (Bravo, 9 p.m.): Tonight, this paradox of a television show is airing an episode titled “Just The T.I.P.”
Pickle & Peanut (DisneyXD, 9 p.m.): “The volcano in town is about to erupt, but Pickle and Peanut don’t take the news seriously.” You know who else didn’t take natural disaster seriously? The Kryptonians. And look what it got them—Man Of Steel and Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice. Is that what you want, Pickle and Peanut? We don’t think so.
Cake Wars (Food Network, 9 p.m.): Sesame Street Cake Wars, y’all! You know Cookie Monster’s making an appearance!
Lucifer (Fox, 9 p.m.): Tonight’s episode of Lucifer is titled “Wingman,” because as expected (based on the lead character alone), Lucifer has absolutely no chill. “LUCIFER IS MAD AS HELL ON AN ALL-NEW LUCIFER.” Like we said: no chill.
Recovery Road (Freeform, 9 p.m.): “Maddie is upset when her greatest fear, someone discovering she’s in rehab, comes true.” Exaggerated collar tug? Exaggerated collar tug.
A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness (HBO, 9 p.m.): This is the HBO debut of the Oscar-winning short documentary about “an eighteen-year-old girl, who is a rare survivor of an honour killing attempt and…lives to tell the tale.”
Angie Tribeca (TBS, 9 p.m.): “Tribeca is ordered to take a day off. She delves into civilian life as Tanner and Geils probe a murder on a golf course. Bill Murray guest stars.” Sorry, Bill Murray, but we won’t care about your guest star appearance until we get an update on the medical condition of the lieutenant!
Major Crimes (TNT, 9 p.m.): “As more information pours in about victims from the past, and how they tie to the murders of the present, Lt. Cooper and Amy Sykes get caught in an unexpected gun fight.” Finally, Major Crimes gets to the “unexpected gun fight” in this arc.
Stevie J & Joseline Go Hollywood (VH1, 9 p.m.): “Stevie seeks peace with his family, but Joseline’s latest snub pushes the Jordans further apart.” That’s on Stevie J for thinking anyone would want to make peace with him as long as he’s with Joseline. We mean… We totally don’t know what’s going on in this show.
Castle (ABC, 10 p.m.): “Castle returns to the City of Angels in search of answers about his missing time. But things take a deadly turn when he’s recruited by the legendary Greatest Detective Society to help solve a murder.” We haven’t watched Castle in a few seasons, but is this an actual synopsis? Is this a goof?
The Graham Norton Show (BBC America, 10/11 p.m.): We guarantee these episodes of The Graham Norton Show feature none of the people on tonight’s Watch What Happens: Live. We also guarantee that the former One Direction member we’ve been turning into a Wednesday What’s On Tonight bit (whose name your friendly neighborhood What’s On Tonight contributor has kind of forgotten) is not here.
Watch What Happens: Live (Bravo, 10 p.m.): Katie Maloney! Scheana Shay! Kristen Doute! Stassi Schroeder! We know these are actually people, because we’ve seen their names in relation to past episodes of Watch What Happens: Live.
Blindspot (NBC, 10 p.m.): “As Jane and Weller race to stop a single-minded scientist, Jane recalls her own mysterious military past and contemplates a new relationship with Oscar (guest star Francois Arnaud).” They’re talking about sex, aren’t they?
Lost Girl (Syfy, 10 p.m.): “Under lockdown, the gang rallies to save one of their own.” That’s literally every other episode of Lost Girl. We’re just saying.
Hit The Floor (VH1, 10 p.m.): “Ahsha and Sloane race against both time and each other. Elsewhere, Jelena makes a gamble; Terrence attempts to right a wrong; Zero visits his tragic past with Jude by his side; and Kyle makes a shocking confession.” All of this sounds mighty dramatic, so we suppose we give the show points for effort.
Full Frontal With Samantha Bee (TBS, 10:30 p.m.): TV Guide Dude constantly lies to us about the new episode, so TV Guide Dude can go to heck.
True Life (MTV, 11 p.m.): “True Life: I’m Married To A Stranger.” That doesn’t sound too great, honestly.
Bitten (Syfy, 11 p.m.): “Jeremy attempts to broker a deal to end the 30-year blood feud between Sasha and Roman.” That sounds like it should be easy.
Metro Atlantic Women’s Basketball Championship: From Albany, N.Y. (ESPNU, 2:30 p.m.)
Barclays Under-21 Premier League Soccer: Sunderland vs. Everton (NBC Sports, 2:30 p.m.)
Big East Women’s Basketball Tournament: A semifinal (FS1, 4 p.m.)
Big East Women’s Basketball Tournament: A semifinal (FS1, 6:30 p.m.)
Metro Atlantic Basketball Championship: From Albany, N.Y. (ESPN, 7 p.m.)
American Athletic Women’s Basketball Championship: From Uncasville, Conn. (ESPN2, 7 p.m.)
Horizon League Basketball Tournament: A semifinal (ESPNU, 7 p.m.)
Colonial Basketball Championship: From Baltimore (NBC Sports, 7 p.m.)
West Coast Basketball Tournament: A semifinal (ESPN, 9 p.m.)
Southern Basketball Championship: From Asheville, N.C. (ESPN2, 9 p.m.)
Horizon League Basketball Tournament: A semifinal (ESPNU, 9 p.m.)
Big 12 Women’s Basketball Championship: From Oklahoma City (FS1, 9 p.m.)
NHL Hockey: Coyotes at Avalanche (NBC Sports, 9 p.m.)
NBA Basketball: Magic at Warriors (FSN, 10:30 p.m.)
West Coast Basketball Tournament: A semifinal (ESPN2, 11:30 p.m.)
Girls: Went to Japan, we guess.