The day-long hearing on the sexual assault allegations against accused sexual predator Donald Trump’s accused sexual predator Supreme Court pick Brett Kavanaugh was still going on while Thursday’s late-night hosts were delivering their monologues, but, like everyone else, they and their writers had spent all day working up just what to say about it. In the end, there were striking similarities of opinion about how Kavanaugh, the Republicans of the Senate Judiciary Committee, and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford performed under the glaring lights of the proceedings, which may be evidence of that pesky liberal bias your most racist uncle can’t stop sending you poorly sourced Facebook posts about. Or maybe it’s that any political comedian able to get to a coveted late-night gig has to have functioning eyes, ears, and reasoning capabilities. But you, as they say, be the judge.
The Daily Show With Trevor Noah
How he evaluated Dr. Ford: “Gracious,” “agreeable,” and a woman “whose life has been turned upside down” but who was yet so believable that even the Donald Trump hype men at Fox News called her testimony “a disaster for Republicans.”
How he evaluated Brett Kavanaugh: His ranting, conspiracy theory-spewing testimony and overall testiness made him come off like “such an asshole he looked like he was auditioning for a Snickers commercial.” Also, pushing in on Kavanaugh repeatedly and sweatily refusing to answer Democratic Senator Dick Durbin’s question about whether he wanted an FBI investigation of Dr. Ford’s claims that Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her, Noah solemnly narrated, “It was at that moment that Brett knew he had fucked up.”
Summation: While the rushed proceedings certainly made the GOP look terrible, Noah’s naive hope that we might get closer to the truth turned to dismay that it looked like the hearing “was just going to make both sides feel better about how they were going to vote anyway.”
The Late Late Show With James Corden
On Dr. Ford: Corden, explaining that he’d watched her testimony with lump in his throat, expressed admiration for Dr. Ford’s “bravery in the face of intimidation, and abuse, and bullying,” before reminding survivors of sexual abuse and assault in his viewership “you are not alone.”
On Kavanaugh: Joked about him bringing a keg to watch Dr. Ford’s testimony.
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Told the GOP to just pick another judge. Suggested Judge Judy. Then off to play celebrity Jenga or something. It’s Jimmy Fallon.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
On Dr. Ford: Meyers was effusive, praising the “towering act of courage” Ford’s coming forward has been, and saying the “grace and composure under unimaginable pressure—which she owed no one—was stunning.”
On Kavanaugh: Meyers called out the “angry, defiant” Kavanaugh for stealing a page from the Trump playbook by “claiming, with zero evidence, that the allegations were part of a left-wing conspiracy to destroy him.” Including the Clintons, who Kavanaugh says are orchestrating the whole binge-drinking, sexual assaulting, lying under oath, mysteriously disappearing debts, pretending he’s not going to pardon Trump and overturn Roe thing against him.
On Republicans: “What we’ve seen this week is a group of powerful men trying to protect each other from the consequences of their actions.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
On Dr. Ford: Kimmel called her “an exceptionally believable witness.” Also “polite, likeable, and well-spoken.”
On Kavanaugh: Not so much, whose “loud, angry, and tearful” testimony Kimmel likened to Trump pal Meat Loaf’s “frat out of hell” meltdown on Celebrity Apprentice.
On Republicans: Kimmel decried the GOP senators cowardice in bringing in outside female prosecutor Rachel Mitchell to question Dr. Ford, calling them too scared of the optics of eleven old white men attacking a sexual assault survivor. He also mocked Lindsey Graham (R-SC) for his “fabricated outrage” over what Graham called a debased process, invoking the name of blocked Obama Supreme Court appointee Merrick Garland. But Kimmel saved up most of his vitriol for Donald Trump Jr., whose Twitter mockery of Dr. Ford saw Kimmel pronouncing him the “chinless son of a circus peanut” and “a human canker sore who shoots baby hippos out of his daddy’s helicopter because it’s the only way [he] can get an erection.”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
On Dr. Ford: Colbert spent two segments of his monologue on the hearings, calling Ford’s testimony “deeply moving,” and “believable and heartbreaking.” For backup, he asked viewers to check out the “liberal snowflakes at Fox News” who called Ford’s appearance “a disaster for the Republicans,” although, he said, “to be fair, their last disaster is the president right now.”
On the Republicans: Colbert played the tape of Orrin Hatch (R-UT) telling reporters—creepily and inexplicably—that he found Dr. Ford “an attractive, good witness,” and clarifying “in other words, she’s pleasing.” Ew. As Colbert impersonated Hatch, “I’m just saying this one pleases me, have her washed and brought to my tent.” Again, ew.
On Kavanaugh: Colbert unloaded on Kavanugh’s red-faced threat that Democrats have “sown the wind” by allowing a woman who claims a potential justice on the highest court in the land tried to rape her to speak, promising that they would “reap the whirlwind.” Loading up, Colbert had this to say: “You really need a better weatherman. Because let me tell you brother, this is the whirlwind, and the wind was sown when Donald Trump had 19 credible accusations of sexual assault against him, bragged about sexual assault on tape, and your Republican buddies up on that committee said, “Yeah, but we want our guy on the Supreme Court.’ And that’s you, Brett. And that doesn’t mean you’re guilty, but please, save your indignation that finally someone is taking one woman’s accusation of sexual assault seriously.”