The Roosevelts: An Intimate History (PBS, 8 p.m.): Paul Giamatti, Meryl Streep, and Edward Herrman are… The Roosevelts! Sort of. Giamatti, Streep, and Herrman provide their respective voices to Theodore, Eleanor, and Franklin Roosevelt in this 14-hour Ken Burns epic. Seven nights, two hours at a time, 100 hundred percent Roosevelts. And at the end of the finish line: A TV Club review from registered Bull Moose Party member Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya.
The 2015 Miss America Competition (ABC, 9 p.m.): Apologies to the competitors for the most prized honor on the beauty pageant circuit (writes What’s On Tonight with no real knowledge of the pageant circuit), but the true Miss America is and forever will be Eleanor Roosevelt.
American Dad (Fox, 9 p.m.): The Smiths are moving to TBS, but in that moving process, they left behind three episodes at their old network home. No word yet on whether or not these episodes will launch a Brave Little Toaster-style journey to TBS—until then, they’re rolling out on Fox, beginning with tonight’s back-to-back installments.
Unforgettable (CBS, 10:30 p.m.): Do not forget Unforgettable when it goes on hiatus after tonight’s third-season finale. How could you? It’s Unforgettable.
Clone High (3 p.m.): Attention students: At 3 p.m. Eastern today, Caroline Framke will conduct an assembly on the dangers of smoking raisins. Wait, no, we take that back: There are no known hallucinogenic effects of smoking raisins. And there will be no assembly, just a Clone High review. Now, whatever you do: Don’t smoke any raisins. That is all.
Countdown To Miss America (ABC, 8 p.m.): Today’s What’s On Tonight Literally Interpreted Title Pick: An hour-long prelude to the big show in which host Amy Robach counts backward from 100 in the general direction of Miss America 2013, Mallory Hagan.
Call Of The Wildman (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.)/Mountain Men (History, 9 p.m.): Two similarly themed series, two networks, same time, both ending third seasons on the same night. And who says there’s no variety in reality programming?
Cutthroat Kitchen (Food, 10 p.m.): Another season finale, this one called “Tongue Thai-ed,” indicating that the Mr. Hyde version of Alton Brown who hosts Cutthroat Kitchen has finally gone over the edge, forcing his captives/contestants to prepare and serve their own tongues.
Brave (ABC Family, 7 p.m.): Tonight, your cable package presents a veritable film festival of big-screen characters using bows and arrows. From the valiant Princess Merida, who needs no betrothed to operate one of mankind’s most ancient projectile weapons…
Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (BBC America, 7 p.m.): To Kevin Costner, who proved that an English accent was not a requirement for wielding a bow and/or arrow.
The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug (HBO2, 8 p.m.): The clip below is not from this particular bit of cinematic Tolkien, but you get the point.
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (WGN, 7:30 p.m.): Now, What’s On Tonight isn’t saying that Steven Spielberg made a huge mistake by not giving a bow and arrow to his beloved outer-space Christ figure. But we are asking: Wouldn’t E.T. be so much cooler if he had a bow and arrow?
Sunday Night Football: Bears at 49ers (NBC, 8:20 p.m.): The Bears lost their first game of the season, so naturally they’ve been written off by the entire city of Chicago. Tonight the Bears take on San Francisco in San Francisco, where they hope to find fans who don’t expect them to go 0 and 5,000 in a regular season that only has 16 games.
Deliverance Creek (Saturday): Now this here Nicholas Sparks-related Western just wandered into town, and the way Genevieve Valentine sees it, Deliverance Creek might as well stay around these parts if it’s going to insist on acting like the series pilot that it is. No disrespect to ya, Deliverance Creek—just callin’ ’em like we see ’em.