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Jersey Shore: "Season Four Premiere"

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Well, here we are again. It’s season four of Jersey Shore. The show’s producers obviously knew they had to give the Jersey gang some new challenges this season other than kind of making t-shirts and figuring out whether they should go to Karma or Bamboo, so they shipped them a few thousand miles away to Florence, Italy — the motherland.


It’s an interesting premise, for sure. This episode was just an introduction to all the hijinks to come, but considering how hard it was for the gang to pack up their four (or more — The Situation and Snooki both brought eight enormous suitcases) bags, get on a non-direct flight and actually get to their house, we can all only imagine how hard it’s going to be for them to work (word is they’ve got jobs at some pizza place), drive their cars (only Snooki and Pauly can drive stick), and figure out how to pull some discotheque tail, considering only Vinny speaks a little bit of Italian.

Of course, at this point, a lot of people in Italy probably speak at least a little English, but that doesn’t mean they speak the Jersey Shore dialect. This damn show’s introduced so many words and phrases to the collective consciousness that just don’t really translate to Italian. Vinny’s family tried to teach the guys how to say “D.T.F.,” and Pauly’s making an effort to learn some of his signature phrases like “CABS ARE HERE!!!” in Italian, but it all just seems a little off.


That’s kind of the thing about these kids, though: They don’t really care. Whereas average, self-conscious Americans might try and do some homework, fit in a little, figure out the local customs and so on, these guys appear to expect Italy to rise up to meet them. Their Jersey Italian heritage is, they assume, continental Italian heritage, and so they hit the clubs in their Seaside finest, rock track suits and weaves on the streets, and don’t seem to worry about whether they’re yelling a lot. That’s fine, though, considering that even though they’ve left the states, they’re still being followed by hordes of people. MTV does its best to try and make viewers not notice this, but it’s a little obvious when camera flashes are going off everywhere and there’s a mob of people trailing the gang.

The season’s only just begun, but already it looks like Mike’s back to his villainous ways, trying to ruin Snooki’s seemingly solid relationship with her boyfriend Jionni. Sitch claims he and Snooks hooked up while she was with Jionni, telling Ron about it in that lying, shitty tone his voice can get when he’s planning to fuck things up. Mike clearly can’t be happy for anyone, ever, and so, judging from the season preview online and that aired after this episode, he deserves what’s coming to him when Ronnie knocks him the fuck out later this season.


Not a ton happened this episode, really, other than the cast having sleepovers, taking flights, dragging baggage up two flights of stairs and then going to a club, but hey, we have a whole 12 more episodes to watch these kids figure out how to use a bidet, crash into cop cars, wear neck braces, and get into screaming fights. It’s a little comforting to know that the more things change — time zone wise, at least — the more things stay the same for the Jersey Shore cast. They’re frozen in amber — or bronzer — and continue to be screaming, self-absorbed jerks no matter where they go.

Stray observations:

• You know the MTV team worked extra hard to make sure the gangs cars didn’t have GPS in English and that when they looked at that house and saw it had stairs, they knew it was the place they’d have to pick. Plus, if there wasn’t a bidet in there already, they installed it, just for the reaction shots alone.


• I’m wondering why MTV chose Florence instead of Rome, Milan, or any other Italian city. Was it just the easiest to work with, permit-wise?

• Snooki does look good, like she’s been working out with a trainer. Her at-home workout was pretty serious too, with all those dips and lunges.


• God, Vinny’s beard looks horrible. I know he’s proud of it, but it really does just look like his face is a little bit dirty around the bottom.

• Why must the girls insist on taking these skeevy carnival stuffed animals with them everywhere? Be adults, please.


• It looks like the gang has a little book about where gyms are, where pre-approved clubs are, and so on. Of course, they don’t have a computer so they can’t use Google Maps, meaning they’ve got to go old school with a paper map, and that’s got to at least be a little confusing for them.

• That kiss between Deena and Pauly was really sick. It was all exposed tongues and porn star biting.


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