US Weekly’s cover this week boasts a screaming headline reading, “Snooki’s trash talking, The Situation’s diva antics, Jwoww and the backstabbing TV doesn’t show.” I found that odd considering that just about all Jersey Shore has shown this year has been Snooki’s trash talking, The Situation’s diva antics, Jwoww”s explosive temper and backstabbing.


What TV doesn’t show is the cast pontificating loftily on the new Jonathan Franzen novel or heading to the local art theater to check out the latest mumblecore effort. Yes, season two will go down in pop trash history as the season we found out what happens when people stop being polite and get really, really horrible.

How abominably has the cast behaved this season? It’s like a race to the bottom to determine who can say and do the most hurtful, hateful, viciously misogynistic thing. The show has reached the point where decadence and hedonism stop being fun and become deadening and exhausting.

Ah, but on to the mirth and the merriment. In tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino had Jersey Shore’s conception of a problem: he was keen to fuck a random skank in the bathroom of a trashy club when a security guard ruined his fun by reiterating the club’s draconian “1 person to a stall” policy.


Sorrentino, being a gentleman, seemed ready to fuck his lady friend over a trash can in an alley or in a dumpster when his lady disappeared, leaving behind only a single syphilis-riddled shoe. The men of Jersey Shore have Entourage problems, which aren’t really problems at all but minor inconveniences for the rich, vacuous and oversexed.

In other news, Angelina went on a double date alongside her beau Jose with Ronni and Sammi, who have thankfully receded into the background as of late due to their incredibly tedious personalities and agonizingly dull romance. Jose was angling for some birthday sex but Angelina apparently only has sex with people she hates, lives with or doesn’t know so Jose was apparently forced to go the solo route. Thankfully, no birthday sex with Angelina also means no birthday Chlamydia either.

By this point, however, the show is so heavily bleeped that it can be difficult to tell exactly what’s going on. The show has become an incoherent blur of shouting matches, demoralizing hook-ups and DJ Pauly D offering the world’s stupidest color commentary. Seriously, I want DJ Pauly D to comment on everything. During Presidential debates I want him to sit next to Brian Williams and say things like, “This Barak Obama kid is, like, trying to be President or something and this old kid, like John or something, he like also wants to be President but there can only be one or something so now they’re like talking to each other and answering questions or something.”


The key moment in the show came when Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino said that there was definitely a sexual double standard in that a guy who bangs a lot of skanks is a god among men while a women who makes love to a wide array of hardbodies is a trashbag. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has no problems with this; to him that’s how things should be; he’s King Awesome and Angelina is a disgusting whore.

That, dear reader, seems a little regressive. Reactionary, even. What’s worse: to subconsciously nurse sexist prejudices that you don’t even acknowledge to yourself or to openly, overtly acknowledge that you are a sexist asshole?

Does anyone come off halfway decent this season? Is there a single solitary soul to root for? Snooki and JWoww’s bad-girl club was fun the first season but this season JWoww hasn’t been much of a factor and Snooki becomes less likeable with each successive episode.


I foolishly imagined that tonight’s episode represented some sort of moral or spiritual nadir for the gang but next episode: Girlfight!

Stray Observations—

—I'm sorry, "The cab's here" will not become a catchphrase no matter how many times it's said.


—This season has gone from "These people are crazy hedonists" to "These people are all Caligula"

—A lot of pots criticizing the darkish hue of kettles tonight.

—Smushing, getting it in, banging, smooshing. The cast truly speaks the language of love.