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Jersey Shore: "Cabs Are Here!"

Illustration for article titled iJersey Shore/i: Cabs Are Here!
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Well, it turns out that you really can have a bad time at the Jersey Shore. This episode, ugh. So deflating.

One of the things Shore haters talk about most, and one thing that—because of these recaps—I think about a lot is this notion that this show and these people are ruining humanity. People argue that Snooki has been dredged up from some garbage dump and that the Situation’s leering sends the wrong message to a generation of impressionable, Axe-wearing 15-year-olds.


Well, fair enough. We can all argue, I assume, that there are people who watch this show to find role models and crushes. That is, of course, not why The A.V. Club covers it, but whatever. Everyone’s got their own reason for why they kind of get swept away by Jersey Shore.

Personally, I think I watch specifically because these people aren’t a mirror on my life at all. I don’t know a Snooki. I don’t know a Pauly. Oh, how I’d want to wear that sexy outfit Jenni put on for Roger—and in front of everyone? Jeez—but I never would. You know? You can make fun of the fist pumps and the Ron Ron Juice and the tanning, but this show sends viewers—and the cast, for that matter—on permanent vacation from reality, and for 44-odd minutes a week, there’s nothing wrong with that.


That being said, sometimes Jenni, Sammi, Ronnie, Snooki, Mike, Vinny, Pauly, and Deena really aren’t good people, and tonight, we got to see that in full force. What an ugly fight. Ronnie managed to be both a whimpering simp and a violent nightmare in the same episode. He’s emotionally abusive, to the max, and it’s not just when he’s throwing Sammi’s shit out on the deck. The whole “look at me, look at me, look at me, Samantha, Samantha,” shit makes my skin crawl. I got in a debate last week with a friend over whether Ron is, in general, a good person, and man, I just don’t know. She noted that he makes Sammi breakfast every morning, and that’s nice and everything, but does anyone really need this dude in their life? As a bodyguard, maybe, but I’m just not sure what human skills he’d bring to any sort of friend-table. Please, though, if anyone can tell me, I’m willing to be persuaded.

And, absolutely, sometimes Sammi’s a real shitbag too, though I think she’s kind of caught in this dichotomy of what she wants to do and what she thinks she’s supposed to do. She’s supposed to be hot and have a hot boyfriend. She acts like these other people she’s seen around her, and she’s young. She doesn’t know that bad relationships aren’t worth it, and they don’t have to be like that. She also, apparently, doesn’t know that it’s really shitty to go to the bar you know this guy you just broke up with is drinking at and grind on some guy who’s not even really that guy. It was mean to Ronnie, of course, but it was mean to that dude, and it was just gross. I hope she regrets that now.


At least she got out of the situation (though I still think The Situation wants to get into her—hey-o!). Ronnie’s all shocked that she’d leave when, really, he made the house absolutely impossible for her to stay in. He would never leave, and she knows that, and there’s no way for them to spend any time apart. They could try and not talk to each other, and I’m sure they’d have a modicum of success, but what’s the point? After all, if there’s any lesson we’ve all learned at the Jersey Shore, it’s walk away when things stop being fun, right? Otherwise everything just gets far too real.

Stray observations

  • Ronnie is just figuring out now that Sitch plays both ends of all arguments? Oh, Ronnie, sweetheart. You’re dumber than I thought.
  • Way more people trail Pauly and Ronnie on the boardwalk than trail Sammi and Deena, apparently.
  • “They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty.” Oh, Pauly D. I love you.
  • I read a pretty good interview this week with Jenni where she—gasp!—wears tasteful clothes, is smart, and talks about how she and Roger are still together. She’s a serial monogamist, of course, but I still somehow approve.
  • “It’s an analogy of Vinny’s penis not fitting in my pinhole.”
  • That dude will never wear those “retro” shorts again. Wiener!
  • Man, breaking someone’s glasses is really, really shitty. It just seems so sad, right? I just kept thinking about that scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie actually does almost shoot his eye out, for some reason. Just pure terror and sadness. Sigh.
  • Everyone’s all “you’re leaving? You’re walking away from this?,” and I assume “this” means the show, and, you know what? Whatever. If they let Angelina back on, the producers will, I’m sure, gladly let Sammi back on. Look for her in Italy for season four or something.

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