Just a few minutes ago, Oprah concluded her exclusive interview with Jay Leno™ by saying that she wanted to have Jay on her show because she was surprised, so so surprised that the public—Apparently 94% of Oprah.com readers sided with Conan in a poll—would be against Leno. "I think that people don't understand the way that television works," she said.  And it's true. We have no idea how TV works. For example: why can't we see Oprah in millions of tiny pieces flying above our heads when we turn on her show? Also, where is the Wonka bar? We need to see it for scale—It's disorienting without it. Thank you, Oprah, for condescending to teach us how we should all feel about television and Jay Leno.   

What's more surprising is that a woman who thinks that everyone would want to  own a pair of ankle socks with giant "O"s embroidered on the sides, also somehow still thinks that she has any understanding of the public. You mean Oprah doesn't have her finger on the pulse of America's feelings? That is surprising. (In Oprah's defense, though, she's probably always surprised when her audience displays any sign of free, non-Oprah-approved will.)

Jay Leno grinned and grimaced throughout the entire soft-focus interview, but his main tactic for making himself likeable was to douse himself in metaphors. So, so many metaphors:

"You know, if you're a gunfighter, you like to die in the street."

"It's what we do, you know. It's like being a fighter and say, 'When you got punched in the head, did it hurt?' Well, yeah, but you're a fighter. That's what you do."


"It's big-time wrestling."

There was also a lot of stuff about war, and sucker-punching, and how his relationship with NBC was like a marriage. So basically Jay Leno is a gunfighting boxer/wrestler in a marriage with showbiz during wartime. But he forgot a couple of really useful, issue-obscuring metaphors:

"See, in 2004, it was like I was a bee, The Tonight Show was a honeycomb, and NBC was the beekeeper. Conan was that smoke the beekeepers use to corral the bees, and The Jay Leno Show was an styrofoam cup right in front of the hives."


"When you're a swimmer, you like to die in the pool."

"I'm a flea, and NBC owns the flea circus. I'm not gonna go jump on a cat. Ha ha. Why would I do that? I'm a circus flea. I need the flea circus. That's just the way it works."

"Show business is like an umbrella. An umbrella that's been used to beat several people to death."


"Say you're a pair of overalls. Sentient overalls. Would you like it if OshKoshBeGosh said to you one day, 'Hey overalls. Your rivets are gonna be here now.' No. No you probably wouldn't."

"Remember Snackwell's cookies? Those fat-free chocolate sugar pillows? Well, I'm Mr. Snackwell. This isn't a metaphor, I just want everyone in America to know that I am responsible for those cookies."