We all know how modern cougars came to be: Some irresponsible handler gave Demi Moore three grains of quinoa after midnight, and pop, pop, pop, a race of cougars was born. Soon they were scratching, and crying, and braying about non-existent underarm fat on our television screens—marking every concievable pop cultural area with their desperation. And now even Demi Moore has agreed that the whole cougar thing is just too much.
And about her “cougar” title, Moore prefers “puma.” “I’m certainly not the first person to be in a relationship with a younger man, but somehow I was plucked out as a bit of a poster girl,” says Moore, who first met Kutcher six and a half years ago. “I don’t know why that is. But I just kind of step back sometimes and say, ‘There is some reason, and what is it that I have to share in a positive way?”
It does seem strange that Queen Cougar, Demi Moore would want to distance herself from the phenomenon she (sort of ) spawned. After all, if Demi Moore wasn't the poster girl for cougars, what would she be the poster girl for? Having a husband who won't shut up about Twitter?
Oh well, distance is what she wants and a name change is how she'll get it! Sure, that solves it, Demi. "I'm not a couger—eww. That's so derogatory. No, I'm a puma. It's a different word for the exact same thing." You can already feel the waves of positivity just radiating from that word. Demi Moore should solve all the world's major problems with her expert semantics therapy. Cougar? No: Puma. War? What about "Disagreement" instead? Swine Flu? Let's just call it "Naptime." AIDS? Hmm, what if we just called it, "Helps"?
Still, this explains why Demi Moore wasn't at this weekend's Miss Cougar California Convention. That, and the fact that if Demi Moore set foot inside that convention center, she would instantly be reduced to a pile of shredded clothing, Juvaderm, and jet black hair extensions by the razor sharp claws of her fellow cougar/pumas. These women do not like competition:
From ABC News:
One of the highlights of the evening was a dramatic scene after the crowning of Miss Cougar California, 40-year-old Tyana Alvarado. Alvarado, who was wearing a low-cut, tight dress that accentuated her cleavage and a strategically placed name-tag stuck to her behind, was given a tiara and a free cruise for gathering the most votes from the cubs.
Her victory infuriated the curvy first runner-up, who repeatedly shouted that Alvarado looked too good to be older than 40 and demanded to see her identification.
The night, filled with drama, drinking and wandering hands, was a glimpse into the world of cougars, cubs and the growing number of businesses trying to spark romance between them.
So, basically it was a fetish convention—which, really, is what modern cougardom is all about, right Miss Cougar California?
While Alvarado has never been married, Miss Cougar California said she separated from her former fiance a year ago. He was 14 years her senior. Now, she's traveling the world and spending time with attractive, fit younger men. "I'm tanning next to 26-year-old lawyers by the pool and I look great in a bikini," she said.
She said it was a compliment to win so many votes from cubs and have someone accuse her of not looking her age. "It's been a long journey to feeling this good," she said.
"I feel so amazing because so many guys still find me desireable! I'm worth something…namely their sexual desire! I'm a hollow shell whose self-worth is completely tied to my ability to make young guys by the pool want me and I couldn't feel better!" Cougar or puma, there is nothing positive about that.
Well, actually, the whole never-ending cougar trend does open up a lot of roles for older actresses like Courteney Cox and Jenna Elfman and Demi Moore. Of course, they have to play pathetic, cartoonish cougars, but that's nothing that a puma can't handle!
(Video of the convention/sadness parade can be found here.)