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How Will Ashlee Simpson's Character Die In The New Melrose Place?

Because the CW has had such phenomenal success in buffing and shining early 90s teen cheese Beverly Hills 90210 into an opaque nugget of inedible stone for the aughts, 90210, the network has moved on to revamping 90s soap opera Melrose Place.  And in ye olde Melrose Place style, they're already straining the limits of believablity. For example, in the following trailer, Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be "four months out of high school." Also, we're supposed to believe that she's playing a character named "Violet" and not "Ashlee Simpson."

"That's a LOT of money!" Good work, Ashlee.

Clearly this show has too many characters, which is no doubt by design because the only reason anyone watched the first Melrose Place was to see the characters get killed off one by one in increasingly ridiculous, melodramatic ways. It's only a matter of time before all these bright shiny new nighttime soap stars (and Ashlee Simpson) are all buried alive, or exploded by a bomb built by a brain-injured crazy, or drowned in that dangerous, dangerous common pool, or pushed out of a high-rise window, or hit by an out-of-control car on their wedding day. Obviously, Ashlee should go first, if only to prevent the inevitable Special Guest Star: Pete Wentz arc.


So, how should Ashlee Simpson's character on Melrose Place be killed off?

—Her car careens down a ravine, then explodes. Ashlee somehow escapes unscathed, climbs to the top of the ravine, falls back down, climbs back to the top, falls back down and hits her head on a rock. Miraculously, she is dazed but fine, so she climbs to the top of the ravine again, where she promptly suffers a fatal brain aneurysm.

—Poisoned extensions

—Attacked by rabid goats at the petting zoo (In episode two, Ashlee's character becomes a call girl by night, petting zoo pooper-scooper by day)


—Chokes to death on her lines

—Suffocates after geting her head stuck between the slats of one of the pool chairs.


—Escaped circus elephant mishap.

—Hits her head on the edge of the lobster tank while picking out her dinner at Red Lobster, and falls forward into the tank, where she drowns.


—Walks into the ocean while texting "Sea U Laters"



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