Every two years or so the Earth (or Disney) issues forth a being (or beings) whose hair is suspiciously soft, whose face is a calm, tranquil puddle as yet unclouded by testosterone, and whose voice is perfectly calibrated to a pitch that will induce young girls everywhere to ovulate for the very first time upon hearing its sweet, decidedly tenor tones. This being is called a "heartthrob," or sometimes, a "teen sensation."
For about 24 months, the heartthrob will be the cause of 75% of all mall stampedes in America. His face will almost definitely be printed on his own line of sheets to be sold at JC Penney's nationwide. He will eventually learn to fall asleep to the constant white noise of thousands of girls pealing in delight at his mere presence. But then the heartthrob will make a mistake—he'll get married, or somehow inspire mom lust, or age—and he'll be transformed into a vaguely-human-shaped pile of sawdust that will be swept away into the ocean by a great gust of wind, so the cycle can begin again.
Well, that's what happened to the Jonas Brothers, anyway.
And, because the Jonas Brothers no longer exist, a new heartthrob has sprouted in their place: Justin Bieber. If you're under the age of 19, and have never heard of Justin Bieber, clearly you haven't recieved your 1-800-Flowers One Less Lonely Girl bouquet yet.
This means you are cripplingly lonely. (Justin teaches us there are two types of girls: Lonely, and Saved From Their Natural State of Loneliness By Justin Bieber.) If you're over the age of 19 and you haven't heard of Justin Bieber, here are some facts: 1. When Usher calls him directly on his iPhone, Justin Bieber resists the natural human reaction to fling the phone across the room 2. Apparently, he lives with Usher? Which seems fine. 3. His music sounds like a Kidz Bop version of Usher, which is basically the secret formula for becoming a teen pop superstar. 4. He has a "swagger coach."
“I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do,” Bieber told the Toronto Star last month. “He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that.”
Or, as swagger coach Ryan Good, 24, told the Toronto paper: “Usher called me and said he thought Justin would benefit from being around a cool white boy.”
Obviously. I mean, he's not going to layer an American Apparel hoodie over a t-shirt by himself. Complex layering like that can't be left up to a 15-year-old—you have to pay someone to tell the 15-year-old to do that. Still, why should Ryan Good get to be the only one getting paid to tell a 15-year-old hearthrob "Put a hoodie on over that shirt"? We could all be swagger coaches. Here's how:
1. Tell your clients: When you're pointing at the camera, hood up!
2. But when you're relaxing on the couch at the house that you apparently share with Usher even though you're a 15-year-old boy, hood down!
3. Also, when you're pleading with all the lonely girls out there, hood down!
4. Then tell your clients: If you're seducing a girl who is clearly 5 years older than you, promise her, in writing, expensive chocolates.