If you've watched any of the Celebrity Apprentice this season, and your brain doesn't feel like it's currently on fire, congratulations. You've somehow walked through the wall of flaming stupidity and come out the other side unscathed. As your singed synapses can no doubt testify, Celebrity Apprentice was particularly arduous this season because NBC, in their ongoing quest to make programming that is cheaper, dumber, and as painful as the Rack, expanded the hour-long show to fill two hours. The result was about 25 mintues of content padded with superfluous moments like, "Ivanka blinks…blinks again" and "Some deodorant company executive explains anti-perspirant power stripes for two full minutes."
So when it came time for the show's finale, NBC decided to dislocate a few joints and stretch the show to a highly uneventful, three-hour "live television event." So how do you stretch what is essentially 20 minutes of Donald Trump sitting into a three-hour show?
1. Have Donald Trump amble around the entire length of an auditorium, before finally circling his chair a couple of times and sitting down, like a dog preparing to take a nap.
2. Three full minutes of Cirque Du Soleil highlights.
Because thirty seconds won't capture the magic!
3. Five minutes of Donald Trump wandering around the Mammoth exhibit at the Museum of Natural History.
4. At least 534 superfluous Clint Black reaction shots.
Which is a lot for a person whose face only registers two emotions: 1. Standing and 2. Hat.
5. Four minutes of excruciating banter with Andrew Dice Clay.
6. A regrettable Jim Cramer interlude.
CNBC & NBC synergy! Can you feel the excitement? It's that dull ache in your cuticles.
7. At least 10 minutes of dead-eyed Donald Trump reminders that the show is live, and "It's gonna be vicious."
8. Thirty minutes (estimated) of Donald Trump's stop-motion void of a son trying to contort his face into a recognizable human emotion.