Yesterday, just mere hours before Fox squatted over the television airwaves to birth its newest seizurevision spawn, Osbournes Reloaded, the Fox affiliate in Panama City, Florida announced that they wouldn’t be swaddling the unruly show in commercials and presenting the gasping, screaming infant program to its viewers. It seems that after watching a six-minute trailer for Osbournes Reloaded, the station's general manager concluded that the show “was contrary to the public interest” and that it “was not keeping with community standards.” (Panama City, Florida has standards. You heard it here first.)

And that is how Panama City, Florida, in addition to being the one of the top five spring break locations to get a regrettable tattoo (Jesus fish, “tribal,” or ironic Coppertone baby division), became the luckiest city in America, as of last night at 9:40pm when the first (and possibly last) episode of Osbournes Reloaded hit the air.

But as it turns out, Panama City is just playing into Osbournes Reloaded's hands. The show wants to be controversial so badly its executive producers can't stop talking about how controversial it will be. According to one of the show's executive producers, Panama City just can't take all the edginess:

We pitched it to all four networks, and all four wanted to buy it. Fox offered us the most creative freedom to do what we wanted to do and be as edgy as we possibly could be. The show's got that real Fox sensibility about it: It's edgy, it pushes boundaries, it's outrageous—it's going to be a bit controversial.

Ooh. Step away from the edge, Osbournes Reloaded is about to push some boundaries over it. So, how do you make an edgy variety show? Judging by last night's miserable episode, here are a few tips:

1. Cuts, cuts, and more cuts!

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Nothing says "edgy" like the feeling that your eyes are in a blender. Also, it creates a dynamic atmosphere because, let's face it, this show is about as exciting as a block of petrified wood.

2. Creatively bleeped out curses.

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It's like they can't stop themselves! Edge-o-rama.

3. Pranks that involve sexualizing grandmas, like having someone kiss a grandma (on the lips!), or having a grandma use a stripper pole.

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See, it's edgy because it subverts the idea that grandmas are asexual. Funny.

4. Include a tedious Flashdance parody that ends in a fart joke.

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The fart is like the edgy cherry on top of the boundary pushing joke sundae.

5. Cursing kids.

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Classic boundary pusher. Take that, Panama City. Oh wait, you can't because it's so controversial.

6. Constantly referring to the Osbournes as "The First Family Of Rock." Because nothing is more rockin' than a variety show.

Hopefully Panama City's Fox affiliate will reinstate Osbournes Reloaded next week (if there is a next week) because their refusal to air the show only lends creedence to the "controversial" image the show is desperately trying to create. Maybe then the Osbournes will realize there's a difference between "edgy" and "generally terrible."

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